Archive for sex

Men Vs Women

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , on June 3, 2010 by prekosifa

I got a new book this week by an author new to me. Its title called out from the busy aisles of WH Smiths and after a quick, smart and swift reduction appeal with the unsmiling manager, I added it to my burgeoning book collection.

Men In Love by Nancy Friday, purports to be about Men who love women, but on deeper investigation it goes beyond any Disney type clichés of love and gets to the root of the link between a mans love and a mans rage, which are seemingly inseparable and misunderstood emotions. The secrets come out in male fantasies, whether it is fuckin’ your female boss at work over her oak panelled desk or performing cunnilingus on a life sized Barbie doll in the middle of a snow covered cornfield! It seems that there is a reason behind all those fantasies and what they tell about us men, is remarkable.

By page two I was hooked and by the end of the first chapter very enlightened indeed, things just got curiouser and curiouser. What struck me as strange was the experience I got whilst reading it. This is a book of no holds barred male sexual fantasy and it felt weird reading it because it dawned on me just how physical and violent we men can get in our imaginary worlds. It was also nice to know that I am not the only one who has extreme thoughts. The author herself confessed that what she heard shocked and scared her, in most part because it was coming from a member of the opposite sex. Women talking in the same way somehow seemed okay for her to listen to. If men and women are similar in other ways but totally different with matters of the heart, what kind of co dependent world do we really live in? It is said that whilst men need women, women don’t need men. If so, isn’t it possible that this is the fear lurking behind every man in a relationship and something that because it can never be satisfied, manifest itself in a variety of ways. I can then easily see why that one motivating factor, for men to be loved and not to be left behind, could easily explain violence towards women, cheating and sordid sexual fantasy acts.

A female friend of mine believes that in part, men are jealous of women because we can never have children, and therefore never know what it is like to produce life, the most important thing in this world. At first I disagreed vehemently, more with the arrogant way in which these words were spoken than anything else, because it dawned on me that she was probably right. No we will never know what it feels like, but surely feeling sorry for ourselves in this psychological way makes no logical sense. Women will never know what it feels like to have a dick swinging between their legs, not a real one anyway! So ho hum!

We are not surprised to hear about a male sex offender, or a male pornographer, but when it is a woman, it is usually taken as being the exception to the rule. Could it be that more women are in ‘subordinate’ roles in the sex industries because they have a totally different view on sex itself. Can they detach easier than men can because their aim isn’t always control and domination. In fact, do women love easier for the exact same reasons?

The roles of men and women in society have always been separated, and the last few thousand years have seen more and more inventive ways for men to control women, only for women to come up with far more superior ways to win it back. Men can never win because in a way we are playing a totally different game, or at least the same game with different rules. Its like a tug of war, with the men are trying to pull the women into the ditch, the women are happy to go in the ditch, and know, before their male equivalents realise, that the same men will have to pull them out afterwards! Job done! It is both fair and unfair at the same time, uneven yet balanced because it can be argued that if men stopped trying so hard, there would be no need for the swift feminine counter attack. There would be no need for the woman’s role as has been moulded by society and therefore more crucially, no need for the mans dominant role. And where would we be without it?

So how does this need to dominate, that men have over women, manifest itself, and more importantly what happens when it cannot be satisfied? Men go crazy! We love women and yet hate them at the same time because of what they stand for. We don’t want to need you but we do and it drives us mental trying to control something that we know we will never be able to control, try as we might. It is in our nature to want the upper hand even if sexual fantasy almost always reverses this position, especially whilst wearing a gimp mask, but we still try.

But given all of this I am glad to be a man. Silly words maybe but honest to God, if I could go back and choose this time, I would pick male every time. I am clear that I am seeing through fog most of the time, but it is a look I have become accustomed to. I may get into the odd argument with an ex girlfriend, or woman in authority, but then that’s what makes life colourful and interesting. I like peeing standing up and carrying the heavy shopping bags and give respect where respect is due. So I am calling for a truce. Ladies, if you can hear me, go easy on the men in your life. Recognise that you have the advantage, all the knowledge and all the best seats so be happy with that.
Leave us to watch football, drink beer and wank over porn.

We know what its like to be you, (thanks to all the nagging we get), but do you know what its like to be us?

Television…what a great invention!

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , on May 4, 2010 by prekosifa

I was having a pretty enjoyable Bank holiday today. I  had my son for the weekend, which meant Playstation, play fighting and lots of snacks and it was my mum’s birthday so that meant chocolate cake, fizzy drinks and checking out her latest electronic gadgets, (bit of a techno geek my dear old mum!); and I was looking forward to an evening of quality television, courtesy of whichever channel could produce the goods. I have always enjoyed Bank Holiday programming, a bit of the old with a bit of the new, and films I would never dream of seeing at the cinema, suddenly became something to look forward to seeing with a barrel of popcorn and some fizzy pop!

So, after watching Steve Martin in Cheaper by the Dozen Two, yes they did make another one! I cooked and ate some dinner and then sat down to watch Eastenders, a guilty pleasure of mine. (For you guys overseas think of it like any regular American soap opera minus the model like men, uber beautiful women and fantastical storylines!). .But it was the programme that came on afterwards that really caught my attention. ‘Joanna Lumley tracing the Nile’, was exactly what it said on the tin, Joanna Lumley, that amazing sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties and noughties TV actress, famous for her roles in the Avengers, (tight catsuit), and Absolutely Fabulous (boozy floozy!), travelling the length of the Nile, and giving her opinions, thoughts and observations along the way. It was beautifully filmed, wonderful to watch and a real learning experience for many out there who have never travelled to the ‘Dark Continent’, and I use that term, as full of as much sarcasm as I can muster on this one dimensional computer generated page. You see there was no difference between this show and the historical accounts of the rich, ignorant white male explorers of the 18th century.

As I watched I heard of places named after the white people who had found them. Lake Victoria, Lake Albert, lots of other European names in a place that, last time I looked, was still in Africa! I often wondered what the local people of these regions thought about that. Should I not be offended that my family’s continent of origin is ridiculed in such a way? Whatever happened to respect? At one point, the lovely and oh so very British Ms Lumley, was in Uganda and blamed the mass poaching of the wild animals on Idi Amin, who apparently made it hunting season all the time when he was in power, (no question though of the thousands of white poachers who capitalised at the same time).

Highly Dubious or Heavily Distorted?

Look, I am not saying that there is a racial bias here, I am SHOUTING IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS! Fair enough, I understand where I am located, but is it too much to ask for just a little bit of balance. Yes Africa is the land of wild animals, exotic rivers and people dress like something out of a Tarzan film, but there are also thousands of cities and towns that are as modern as any place in the UK or the US. I get angry because children like my son, will see this kind of programme, and automatically will form an opinion in his malleable mind, as will his schoolfriends. Children can be heartless little fuckas at the best of times and many of them in this country are given the ammunition to be just that froma  bvery young age. Kids believe what they see on the television as do most Sun, Daily Star and Daily Mail reading adults! Do we really think that portraying certain countries in specific lights has no effect ar all on anybody? Yes I am bitching right about now, but this is serious!

Another programme I saw last week was about Nigeria, the country where my father is from. What we got, again from the BBC I guess still doing its bit for ‘Britannia’, was an image of a country full of thieves, poverty and slums. Now I am not saying that these people did not have a valid reason to be in front of the camera, I just think, in fact, I know that there is a hell of a lot more to that country than was depicted on my 32 inch high definition screen. Lagos is a city; people live in houses and apartments, go to night clubs, museums and even take afternoon tea! I am all for an image of any country as long as it is balanced, and when it comes to places in Africa especially, I am calling for fairness across all media. Tell it like it really is and balance the fuckin picture for once because I am sick and tired of seeing and paying for this shit, and then having to explain to my son that things are not really like that.

Phew! Okay rant over for now. I think maybe it was due to a combination of seeing Avatar…again, Pocahontas 2 and Atlantis The Lost City in quick succession. Three Disney films that, I might add, had exactly the same plot and premise. Finally I know Disney’s secret, tell the same old story again and again by simply changing the main characters. Hmmm! now that sounds like a familiar tactic, I wonder where I have come across it before…

Gilrs will be girls…won’t they?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , on April 19, 2010 by prekosifa

Last Sunday, I decided to take advantage of the first signs of summer and take a trip to the park with my son and his friend. The park was packed full of like minded souls taking advantage of the hot sun and my young charges were happily playing on the swings and throwing stones at each other when a commotion on the far side of the children’s area grabbed our attention.

A group of youths were the cause of the uproar and in the centre two teenage lads were trading blows like they were on Saturday Fight Night!, at least, I thought it was 2 boys. Upon closer inspection I realised that one of the ‘boys’ was in fact a girl, but she was giving it all she got. The fight was split up by one of her friends and she took the opportunity to spit in the face of her male aggressor, before being urged to go in the other direction. The excitement over, everybody got back to what they were doing and pretty soon all was forgotten.

Had I just witnessed the new face of feminity?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not the kind of person that believes that women belong in the kitchen, or indeed that there is a particular way in which men and women should act, but what I have noticed lately is a shift in the way that some females behave. Girls now are following in the footsteps of their male classroom counterparts when it comes to violence and straightforwardness. The rise of the ‘pornification’ of women in the media, has been matched by the rise of the laddette. The beer swilling, foul mouthed females who lurk until closing time in bars and clubs around the City, always ready to down a pint or two as quickly as possible and too eager to lay you out flat on your back if you say the wrong thing or stare for too long in their direction.

Just what is going on?

But maybe I am being unfair. Am I basing my opinion on what a woman should act like on an age old stereotype put in place by men way before my time? Am I indeed sexist in my approach and beliefs that it is normal for a woman to act demure and ‘princessly’, not being expected to paint a fence or change the wheel of a car, but will always look better in an apron or dressed to the nines in clothes created more for the male gaze than for any type of physical practicality? I admit that I came up in this male dominated world therefore hold some male dominated views and yet there still seemed something wrong with seeing a girl trade blows against a boy. In my opinion the boy should have known better, if that had been my son hitting a girl, I would have been more than disappointed. (But then again, if a girl was acting like a boy and started a fight against my son, I can’t say wholeheartedly that I would be angry with him if he gave her a bitch-slap!) .

You see to me if you act in a certain way, then you can’t really blame anyone for treating you in a certain way. It may just be that this rise in more masculine femininity has come on the back of a more feminine masculinity. Men are spending more and more on cosmetics and stuff to make you look and smell pretty than anytime before in history. Now, its certainly not the first time that men have dared to care for their appearance but the last time it wasn’t met by an equal shift by women in the opposite direction. In the past, when women were held further down than they are today, men were allowed to play whatever roles they wanted to, often donning ridiculous wigs, and horrific makeup, and looking like 17th century pimps! Today things seem to be changing but unfortunately the good is mixed with the not so good, encompassing behaviour like I witnessed in the park.

Logically thinking I suppose what we should see is a middle line where men and women act more or less the same, where women can stand on equal terms with a man, receiving an equal amount of acknowledgement. Maybe that is the effect of a changing world, maybe this is what this world needs to redress the huge imbalance that has occurred since time immemorial and so perhaps, maybe we are just going to have to get used to it. Now, I don’t think that we will see a blanket transformation of harder female types appearing on the horizon like zombies out of a Dario Argento film, it will be more a gradual thing taken up only by those who are eager to do so.

And so, as long as there are women out there happy to play the ‘stereotype’ that I have come to know and love, everything, in my world at least, will be copasetic!

Lies…damned lies!

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2009 by prekosifa

So, Tiger Woods is the latest superstar to make it on the list of the famous who have been caught out creepin’ on their partners. A few months ago it was David Letterman and who knows who will be next. The basis of all these indiscretions is lies damned lies. Tiger’s list is 12 and counting, how much deceit is necessary to get away with those types of figures?

Where does it all go wrong?

We are taught from a young age to tell the truth. We are told that honesty is always the best policy and that ‘liars liars have their pants on fire’, a scary image for a pre adolescent. Given all of this coaching from such a young age, it would be safe to assume that we must live in an honest world. But we don’t, because if we did then infidelity just wouldn’t happen, politicians could be trusted and conspiracy theories would have no truthful basis.

What is going on that on the one hand we are taught to tell the truth but on the other we are used to dealing with lies? Lies are so common place now that you can actually get into trouble for telling the truth.

Have you ever been asked by your partner ‘does my bum look big in this?’ If so, what did you answer? A small percentage out there I am guessing will be able to tell the truth and still get to sleep in the marital bed afterwards, the majority, the ones with the smarts will lie, a little lie, but a lie nonetheless. I have seen girls in clubs that look terrible, bad hair, bad dress, bad everything and yet they are surrounded by their so called friends. I’d ask myself ‘why did none of them speak up?’

Just what is it about telling the truth that people find so damn hard to do.

A few years ago when I worked in an office, we had a cleaner who had terrible body odour. This brotha stank! In an office of sixty plus workers, no one wanted to have to tell him the truth. So what we were left with was a load of staff who all ‘had to pop out for a cig’ at 5.30pm every day, for 20 mins!

Could it be that deep down we hate to hurt people? I can see how that could happen because there is a horrible feeling that you get in your stomach when you have to tell someone something that they really don’t see. Or could it be that we secretly enjoy someone else’s misfortune and would sooner that they are laughed at, rather than us, a Freudian thing that says we only care about ourselves. Then it would stand to reason that a way of protecting ourselves is by putting any ‘badness’ onto somebody else.

We even differentiate between lies. Lies that hurt and destroy are separated from white lies that protect and care and we convince ourselves that this is okay to do. I was actually told in school that it is okay to tell a little lie if it stops someone from being hurt but isn’t a little lie today, just a bigger lie tomorrow and the biggest lie in the future.

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 – 1832)

If you have a population of people expecting a lie isn’t it safe to say that you may as well assume everything is a lie and then you can’t get hurt? Or is that quite sad? Otherwise if you are not expecting a lie and you are then lied to, the pain will be all the more piercing because of the false expectation.

So I get it, lying is a necessary part of society and something that we all sign up to. We lie to protect, we lie to get away with things, we lie because we can. If someone gets hurt, so what, better them than us, right?

This is why Tiger Woods is in the situation he has found himself in this week. The rest of his golfing buddies probably knew what was going on and they withheld this lie, either to protect their boy, or to protect his wife from being hurt, or to protect themselves. Who knows, who cares and who really gives a fuck?

The sad thing about all this is that there is an age when you always tell the truth and believe everything you hear, no matter how crazy. My son is at that age now and I will watch him as he gets to the point when he realises that people tell fibs. When he gets to this point I will be sad because that will be the day when his innocence is truly lost.

So, I guess I am advocating a society where everyone tells the truth. That would be great wouldn’t it? Can you imagine?

Wife
‘Honey does my ass look big in this?’

Husband
‘Hell yeah!’

Wife
‘Okay, I guess I’ll just wear something else, thanks for your honesty, baby’

Can you see that happening?

Nah, neither can I

Topics they say you shouldn’t talk about on a first date – that you really should!

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2009 by prekosifa

Ex Partners

You should be talking about your exes. You should want to know if the girl you are having dinner with has a pattern, a type of man she goes for. It might not matter if she is into suits and you are an accountant, but what if the last three of her exes ended up in prison for drug smuggling! You might find that interesting to say the least. On a first date we go in armed to the teeth with our history, we wear it like a garment and it shapes our opinions on life and therefore our conversations. The person in front of you represents so much more than the mere form that is being presented. It may be useful to know all about the ex partners and loves-that could-have-been because it may tell you something more about this person you are choosing to spend some quality time with. It may also warn you in advance that this may not be the one for you.

Religion

Why? Isn’t religion an important part of society. The majority of us claim allegiance to some religion or other whether it be catholic, church of England, Jewish, Hindu or the multitude of other lesser denominations and variants, and it matters because it appears to be something that is important to us. Now let’s face it, if you are into the guy sitting opposite you and want to see him again why would you hide something so important to you, or want him to hide this about himself? At the end of the day if you are religious and he/she isn’t, how long do you think the relationship will last anyway? If you do find the urge to argue about why your religion is better than his/hers two things can happen. You find a greater understanding and actually accept the others persons viewpoint, concluding that an opinion is just that, an opinion. Or you go for each others throats and publicly beat the shit out of each other, probably not the best basis for a long lasting relationship anyway.

Politics

Why? Politics are a part of society that we cannot hide away from. Some people may be staunch conservatives or democrats, others are not really that arsed, realising that all parties, except the extreme ones, are pretty much the same anyway. You may not want to introduce the liberal radical partner of your dreams to your upper class conservative family but more embarrassing could be to avoid the topic from the start, unleash this new person on your friends and family over a here’s-my-new-partner dinner, only to find out then that he harbours erotic dreams of running a new communist state and can’t wait to tell everyone about his radical plans for social reform, basing his ideas on Albania of the 1950’s! Arguing about politics is again like arguing about religion, you either agree or disagree. If you are that bothered, then isn’t it better to know from the start of the relationship?

Crazy Relatives

So what if your cousin Johnny is doing 6 months inside for ‘bothering’ sheep? What’s the problem if your elderly Aunt Lucy thinks she is Lady Godiva and regularly hauls her naked wrinkles through the local village on her vintage Raleigh Chopper? Does it really matter? These topics are conversation gold and can turn a boring date into one to remember. We can all see the funny side of things and sometimes it is good to laugh at people, let’s be honest. Embarrassment shouldn’t be an issue and the truth is going to come out sooner or later anyway.

Criminal past

It is important to fess up for 2 reasons. First, your date may still get the urge to mug people whenever presented with the opportunity, and second, it may be nice to know if the person you are on a date with has murdered his/her past lover! You may see that information as a material fact. Being honest about yourself is always important and if you have done something unsavoury, just spill it. You may be proud of the thousands you stole in bank raids across the city, or of the excellent quality of the drugs you used to sell to under age school kids, so let true love navigate its way through these murky avenues. Some women just love a bad boy and I know some guys out there love the idea of a ‘bad-girl’ in prison jim-jams!

Future Plans

The mistake that many of us make is to limit conversation about the past and the present when the future is so much more interesting. You may want to get married in a pink dress, so why not tell it? Why not let your date hear it all so they can form an opinion and decide whether or not to stay for the Second Act. If you are the ‘future plan making type’ of person, then just be yourself. If the person sitting opposite you can’t take it, then what have you really lost except for a few wasted weeks, perhaps months, of getting to know someone who doesn’t have the ability to plan farther than the next episode of Eastenders!

Topics your date is not interested in

I say talk about everything. Find out why this person isn’t interested in the mating habits of the blue spotted vole, or needlework for people with no thumbs and only wants to talk about Football and Darts! I have always believed that you don’t really know if you dislike something until you have tried it. Talk about everything and see how far it takes you. You may be surprised at what you find out and you will definitely know the range of topics that are welcome and whether this person has the breadth of interests that you find attractive.

Of course, these rules only apply to those people out there looking for something deep and meaningful. Those of you just looking for some sweaty, satisfying, meaningless sex to itch that scratch you’ve been having need not follow them, at all.

5 myths about men

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , on November 1, 2009 by prekosifa

1. Men Are Not as Emotional as Women

No. Men are as emotional as women, just not about the things women want them to be emotional about.

If you’ve ever seen men watching or playing sports – football, basketball, golf, even playing poker – then you know that men are very emotional. The pat on the next guy’s ass! Good jump shot, the hugging and kissing when you score a goal. The celebration at winning. Jesus!

In the hunter/gatherer days it was kill or be killed, no time to cry about the deer you just slaughtered let alone name it Bambi and make a film about it. The goal was simple – feed and protect. Nothing much has changed, men still want to feed and protect. When that mission is threatened, you will see men get emotional even if to you it just looks like fists flying. Just watch your man’s anger rise when the 6ft 3inch Rasta shows you attention on Ocho Rios, to him his territory (read woman) is under threat of invasion and the only solution is to knock the rent-a-dread out.

A man’s violence is always related to his emotions. When a man is emotional he does something about it, so you get a load of guys whose only shortcoming is that their default setting is action not words. We are raised to fight and win wars, not talk about how our boss made us feel when he said our work was substandard! Even with the rise of the Metrosexual man, the fact remains that men and women are emotional about different things and in different ways. Allegedly it’s okay for big boys to cry now but until you can prove that women have lost their appetite for bad boys, embracing my feminine side can wait. I’m also willing to bet that you won’t catch a man who actually wants to get laid bawling into his woman’s bosom!

2. Men Don’t Like to Communicate

No. Men are actually better communicators than women.

If by communicate you mean talk a lot then the ladies win hands down. If you’re talking about quality of communication, not the quantity of words that come out of your mouth then it’s a slam dunk for the boys. Think about it, if men didn’t like to communicate we wouldn’t have so many mobile phones, we wouldn’t pick up girls in bars and we wouldn’t be able to get laid on a Saturday night. Unlike women who mostly talk for the sake of it, men actually communicate with an endgame in mind – a result. It’s more strategic. Occasionally we’ll talk for bonding. I can remember many conversations with my boys that would last for hours, covering a range of topics from sport to girls to growing up to cooking! We would gossip like it was going out of fashion and enjoy doing so.

The basis of this myth is probably the fact that we don’t want to talk at 3am when everything inside of us is saying it’s either sleep time or sex time. Timing is very important. Women like to talk at very strange times, for us. Football is on, time for a chat. No. Movie about to start, time for a chat. No. Just about to have sex, time to talk. Hell No!

So it’s not that men don’t like to communicate, it’s just that we don’t like to talk just to talk!

3. Men Think About Sex More Than Women Do

No. Men are just more honest about their fascination with sex.

Men think about sex no more and no less than women do. It’s just that it can be pretty obvious that we are thinking about it. The tell tale sign is our downfall and will always get us into trouble, although scientifically arousal isn’t always about sex. The truth is we do think about sex a lot, but so what?  I like to think about happy things throughout my day and sex is probably the happiest thing I have done in my life. On top of that, what goes on between the four corners of my mind and the crotch of my pants is mine and nobody else’s business.

Men thinking about sex is not the problem, I think the real issue for women is that we may not always be thinking about you when we do it! More on what women say they want and the truth here.

4. Men Want to Avoid Marriage

Wrong again. Men want to avoid weddings!

Look, the one thing we want is to be with someone in a committed relationship. We want to have that partner who is there through thick and thin. We want to be a part of something bigger. What we don’t want is the hoo-ha and uproar that goes with planning a wedding. It’s every woman’s dream to have that big day as the centre of the universe with all the other girls looking on with envy, hoping to catch her bouquet. Your dream is our nightmare. The wedding isn’t about us, we’re just props for the day because you can’t have a beautiful bride without a dashing groom. No wonder we’re not as enthusiastic about the wedding as she who must be admired by the masses for a day.

Men have a more practical non-fairy tale perspective which gets wrongly translated as an avoidance of marriage. The average wedding now costs about 20K. Just think how much beer you could buy for that. Or a new car, fix up the den, season tickets for our fave team; the list is endless and makes significantly more sense to us than spending that much on one day.

The biggest issue is that the minute we put a ring on it, she turns into someone else and no longer makes the effort to excite us and we end up feeling like we just got got. We want the newness to last as long as possible. Be honest, as a girlfriend you’re more likely to do the blow job under the restaurant table than as the wife. Frankly ladies, the benefits of being in a relationship with a woman who wants to catch and keep you far outweigh those of being actually caught. Just thinking about it makes us want to run as far away as fuckin’ possible!

5. Black Men Have Bigger Dicks Than White Men

True?

The Quid Pro Quo of Relationships

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , on September 27, 2009 by prekosifa

There are those of us that believe in the traditional relationship set up. Man and woman together, man works, woman tends the home, man does the manly chores, woman cooks, both raise the child in their own way, the woman giving the caring side, the man the survival side needed to live in this world. All in all a harmonious thing and a relationship model that works.

As time has moved on things are changing, the woman’s role has become, some would say, more masculine, and men, a touch more feminine, where would we be without metro-sexual man and his ‘man bag’, and in some cases, mascara? But with this major fundamental social change some attitudes have stayed the same. Simply put, though the roles have changed the rules haven’t, cue arguments, breakups and unhappiness.

balance

So what’s missing?

The quid pro quo. Defintion: from the Latin meaning “something for something’ it indicates a more-or-less equal exchange or substitution of goods or services. English speakers often use the term to mean “a favor for a favor” and the phrases with almost identical meaning include: “what for what,” “give and take,” “tit for tat”, “this for that”, and “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours’.

The other day whilst I was sipping my decaf double mocha latte with a cinnamon and nutmeg twist in Starbucks, (Is that a metro man thing or what?). I eavesdropped on the conversation two thirty something women were having at the table next to me. They were discussing relationships and woman A said that she wanted a man that would do ‘manly’ things. She wanted to be cared for and looked after, she wanted roses and walks in the park and all that gushy stuff, (she was clearly a product of Mills and Boon books and old Hollywood films). Her friend, on the other hand, said she wanted a relationship which was equal.

‘In what way?’ enquired Woman A, with a puzzled look on her face.

‘Equal in that we both give and both receive and are both happy and content’, she replied.
You see she had been in too many relationships where she felt she had given more than she had gotten in return and this had left her angry, frustrated and lonely, she felt she had been taken advantage of. Before they left she mentioned that sex had to be used as a bartering tool because it was the only way she got what she wanted!

I had to physically stop myself from prying further into her life. I wanted to know more and thought I needed all the details until it dawned on me that I didn’t need them at all. Common sense tells us that in life, like in physics there is a point of perfect balance called equilibrium. When we find equilibrium in a relationship we end up with a good, solid working partnership on which bigger, better and greater things can be built. When we don’t have it, not surprisingly, the relationship doesn’t work. I used to constantly get angry at an ex girlfriend of mine because I had it she just wanted lots of things from me. That wasn’t the issue though, the true issue was that my needs were not being met.

If they were then what she was asking for wouldn’t have seemed like such a big deal.

I can imagine that Woman A with all her wants was perhaps having difficultly in finding Prince Charming because her demands were not being met by enough going the other way. What was she willing to offer? What did the man get out of the bargain? Did she even care? Woman B seemed to have based a lot on sex, as does often happen. Ladies, this will not always be enough. Please do not make the assumption that as soon as we see some bare flesh and are on a promise, we will be happy as larry, because we won’t be, not all of the time anyway. Maybe her ex man would have preferred to have a meal waiting for him instead, or be picked up from work.

Whatever the reason, there was one, and if she found it there would be balance, and if their was balance she would probably still have been in a relationship.

I have it that relationships can all work better as long as we take the time to truly find out what our partners really want, need and care about. The most important person to each of us is ourselves and when our needs are not being met, there will be desertion, anger and sometimes, downright hatred in the camp.

Things to consider when seeking relationship equilibrium:

  1. What kind of relationship does your partner want, old school or new cool?
  2. Ask yourself, ‘what things does my partner expect?’
  3. Tell your partner what you would like and not like?
  4. Discuss, everything together to find your point of equilibrium
  5. Once found, always double check to make sure it is maintained. As  relationships develop so do needs and wants and it is very easy to lose the point of balance

If you’re in a relationship and having some problems, major or minor, it may well be worth checking where you are on the equilibrium scale.

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