Archive for infidelity

Lies…damned lies!

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 13, 2009 by prekosifa

So, Tiger Woods is the latest superstar to make it on the list of the famous who have been caught out creepin’ on their partners. A few months ago it was David Letterman and who knows who will be next. The basis of all these indiscretions is lies damned lies. Tiger’s list is 12 and counting, how much deceit is necessary to get away with those types of figures?

Where does it all go wrong?

We are taught from a young age to tell the truth. We are told that honesty is always the best policy and that ‘liars liars have their pants on fire’, a scary image for a pre adolescent. Given all of this coaching from such a young age, it would be safe to assume that we must live in an honest world. But we don’t, because if we did then infidelity just wouldn’t happen, politicians could be trusted and conspiracy theories would have no truthful basis.

What is going on that on the one hand we are taught to tell the truth but on the other we are used to dealing with lies? Lies are so common place now that you can actually get into trouble for telling the truth.

Have you ever been asked by your partner ‘does my bum look big in this?’ If so, what did you answer? A small percentage out there I am guessing will be able to tell the truth and still get to sleep in the marital bed afterwards, the majority, the ones with the smarts will lie, a little lie, but a lie nonetheless. I have seen girls in clubs that look terrible, bad hair, bad dress, bad everything and yet they are surrounded by their so called friends. I’d ask myself ‘why did none of them speak up?’

Just what is it about telling the truth that people find so damn hard to do.

A few years ago when I worked in an office, we had a cleaner who had terrible body odour. This brotha stank! In an office of sixty plus workers, no one wanted to have to tell him the truth. So what we were left with was a load of staff who all ‘had to pop out for a cig’ at 5.30pm every day, for 20 mins!

Could it be that deep down we hate to hurt people? I can see how that could happen because there is a horrible feeling that you get in your stomach when you have to tell someone something that they really don’t see. Or could it be that we secretly enjoy someone else’s misfortune and would sooner that they are laughed at, rather than us, a Freudian thing that says we only care about ourselves. Then it would stand to reason that a way of protecting ourselves is by putting any ‘badness’ onto somebody else.

We even differentiate between lies. Lies that hurt and destroy are separated from white lies that protect and care and we convince ourselves that this is okay to do. I was actually told in school that it is okay to tell a little lie if it stops someone from being hurt but isn’t a little lie today, just a bigger lie tomorrow and the biggest lie in the future.

Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practise to deceive!
Sir Walter Scott, Marmion, Canto vi. Stanza 17.
Scottish author & novelist (1771 – 1832)

If you have a population of people expecting a lie isn’t it safe to say that you may as well assume everything is a lie and then you can’t get hurt? Or is that quite sad? Otherwise if you are not expecting a lie and you are then lied to, the pain will be all the more piercing because of the false expectation.

So I get it, lying is a necessary part of society and something that we all sign up to. We lie to protect, we lie to get away with things, we lie because we can. If someone gets hurt, so what, better them than us, right?

This is why Tiger Woods is in the situation he has found himself in this week. The rest of his golfing buddies probably knew what was going on and they withheld this lie, either to protect their boy, or to protect his wife from being hurt, or to protect themselves. Who knows, who cares and who really gives a fuck?

The sad thing about all this is that there is an age when you always tell the truth and believe everything you hear, no matter how crazy. My son is at that age now and I will watch him as he gets to the point when he realises that people tell fibs. When he gets to this point I will be sad because that will be the day when his innocence is truly lost.

So, I guess I am advocating a society where everyone tells the truth. That would be great wouldn’t it? Can you imagine?

Wife
‘Honey does my ass look big in this?’

Husband
‘Hell yeah!’

Wife
‘Okay, I guess I’ll just wear something else, thanks for your honesty, baby’

Can you see that happening?

Nah, neither can I

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Who destroys the marriage – the cheating husband, wife or other woman?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , on August 30, 2009 by prekosifa

A friend of mine had an affair and got caught by his wife. My friend blamed his wife because, as he saw it, ‘if she was a better wife, he wouldn’t have strayed’. His wife blamed the other woman and her husband. So what we have is a three-way situation, and basic human theory tells me that not all three people can be to blame right? Wrong, because in real life we are all responsible.

His wife blamed the other woman. Why? ‘She should have known that he was out of bounds. It is therefore a personal slight and she showed a lack of respect for me. If I see her on the street I will open a can of whup ass on her and slap her senseless. How dare she do that to me? What kind of woman goes after another woman’s man? The dirty slapper bitch! I am going to phone her right now, tell her husband. She’s gonna regret trying to take mine.’

His wife also blamed him. Why? ‘You low down dirty, sleezy rat bastard!! How could you do that to me, to us. I loved you. This means you don’t love me and never have done. I gave you everything. I cleaned your shit when I had to clean, fed you when you were hungry and fucked you when you wanted to get fucked. I raised your kids and sat through endless hours of your family reunions because another one of your fuckin’ siblings was getting married. You hurt me and I can never forgive you. I gave you everything and this is how you repay me?’

My friend blamed his wife. ‘If you weren’t so fuckin boring I wouldn’t have strayed in the first place. You don’t notice me anymore. I have to get a goddamn appointment to stroke your fuckin knee for chrissakes! All I do is work to put food on your table and clothes on your back and shoes on your fuckin feet. To you, I am just a walking credit card which was fine at first, but lately you been holding back the interest payments. So I lost interest. You don’t even wear nice things to bed anymore, just a pair of jogging bottoms and that fuckin’ face cream that’s supposed to make you look younger. It doesn’t by the way! It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything.’

Blame shifts from one person to the other like a bad tempered STD, but eventually the truth comes out. Before that though, there is a lot of shouting, a lot of nasty things said  and a lot of hatred that spills out, affecting those we care about. Children get a raw deal being thrown from pillar to post and having to endure nasty words that are spat out about their errant dad, or bitch of a mum. When the smoke clears do you think your children forget? Do you think they can? Read more on why it’s smarter not to blame.

You don’t have to be a scientist to understand that every cause has an effect. You have to decide how big you want that to be. Some people choose violence, opting to respond to an emotinal battering with their fists by beating the shit out of the other guy and/or woman as if violence ever really sorts things out. Some people go too far, people get maimed or even murdered and they think taking a human life in exchange for hurt feelings is justifiable.

Another friend of mine beat the shit out of the guy who had an affair with his wife. He was congratulated by all but one of his ‘friends’. The one who went against public opinion took him aside and pointed out that you get arrested for ABH but not for adultery and ironically my friend’s future now lay in the hands of someone who had no reason at all to want to help him.  Talk about a stupid situation to put yourself in.

So, your partner cheated on you, the dust has settled, and you are ready to answer the hardest question – why? Ultimately you can only speak from your own perspective. Your answers can only start with ‘I’, not ‘he’ or ‘she’, so that you can take the first step towards closure by knowing what role you played in it. You may not like it but just like taking milk of magnesia, when you feel better, who cares.

In my friend’s situation, his wife eventually stopped blaming him and the other woman.  He also stopped blaming her. Ultimately they admitted that their marriage was over, separated but remain good friends. No, this is not a fairy tale ending but it is a real world resolution.

Remember just 3 things:

  1. Don’t rush the process – take a deep breath and take yourself out of the picture. Give yourself time to go on the emotional rollercoaster where anger meets hate and explodes and see your way through it. On the other side you will avoid making rash decisions and be better prepared to talk.
  2. Look at yourself – be honest and realistic about your needs and your partner’s needs. An infidelity, like self harm, can be a cry for help or attention. If your partner says he/she cheated because you did something, then look at that. If you disagree it doesn’t mean they are wrong or you are right so you can’t really argue that point. But what it can give you is an insight into things that you perhaps hadn’t noticed before this.
  3. Take control – know what you want the outcome to be. In short don’t go down the route of making him/her pay for their indiscretion for as long as you can. This will not make you happy, it will just create an unsuitable and toxic environment for all involved. An affair may signal the end of the relationship and if so you can at least work to make sure the relationship ends the way you want it to. It can also signal an opportunity for growth and sometimes people come out on the other side, stronger and together.

However it ends, you can choose to come out on the other side having learned something about yourself and a bit wiser for the experience.

Join the conversation and leave a comment.

What men can learn from being cheated on

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , on March 29, 2009 by prekosifa

So I am sitting in a bar last Friday night having a chat with an old friend. We’re catching up on what’s been happening in each other’s lives and he tells me that he and his wife are seperating. 

How come? I ask. 

‘She cheated on me’ comes the reply.

What did you do? I asked him.

‘Beat the shit out of the guy’ he replied nonchalantly. 

I looked at him and replied, deadpan, ‘So how did that work out for you?’

Turns out that he blamed the other guy, someone he never really knew for the reason he was leaving his wife. I heard the classic excuses, ‘you don’t fuck another man’s wife’, ‘He should know better’, ‘She should have spoken to me’. The list was endless and his rant lasted a good 20 minutes. At the end of it I looked at him. He sipped his drink and returned my gaze.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘So what didn’t you do?’

This friend of mine failed to see through his red mist and sheer stubbornness that the failure of his relationship was his fault and his alone. He couldn’t be with the fact that it may have had something to do with him and so he avoided it like the plague. He hadn’t listened to what his woman wanted or needed. He hadn’t taken her seriously throughout the relationship. And finally it came out that he hadn’t been totally honest about his feelings in the relationship either. Let’s face it – if a man comes up to you in the desert, he is bedraggled, starving and in need of some water and asks you for it, the logical response is you give him some water. Clear. If you ignore then walk away from him what kind of person does that make you?

Guys, in a relationship, if your woman says she needs to talk more or see more of you it’s because that’s what she wants and cares enough about you and the relationship to communicate that to you. At that moment you have a choice. Give her what she wants or don’t. With both outcomes there are consequences. Some better than others. Know this though, what you don’t do is ignore her request and then blame someone else down the line for what you failed to do.

Women, the same applies to you. If your man cheats on you, don’t have a brawl with the other woman on the high street. Apart from embarrassing yourself and her, it’s petty and just plain stupid. It is not HER fault that YOUR man sought the refuge of her female kindness. Rather it points out that perhaps your ‘kindness’ wasn’t so kind and if not, why not. Check yourself. Whatever the reason, the first place to start looking is in the mirror.

Now, I write this not to suggest that infidelity is right. We’ve been there before. It happens. Get over it. This is more about what to do if you are the ‘victim’ of it. Life is a journey and that journey looks different for each of us. One thing we have to do though is recognise those things that happen that present us with a teachable moment – a chance to learn something valuable about ourselves and life. 

If you lose your woman, look at what was missing from you and put that into your next relationship. Next time you see the guy who did your wife/girlfriend, buy him a drink and thank him. No, really – say thank you. Maybe even touch fists and if you’re really going for it ask him what got her off, and take notes! If anything he did you a favour and you can learn something from him. Ladies, when you come across that ‘heifer that stole your man’, take her shopping, swap notes, get matching tattoos, whatever! But thank her for showing you something you hadn’t seen before. 

Just think, if we could all just take things on as and when they happen and look at ourselves in the bargain, how great could this world and our relationships be? In life we embark on a series of relationships some personal, some professional, some short, some long. Each relationship we enter is an opportunity to learn and experience growth. 

Even when a relationship doesn’t last as long as you wanted it to or isn’t all you hoped it would be, the learning is yours to keep. No one can take that away, it’s a gift that you get to take with you into future situations so that you do better next time.  Appreciate that and you will never again have to beat yourself up (or anyone else for that matter) about a failed relationship. It may have ended  for whatever reason but if you’re willing to open your eyes and heart on the way out, the lessons you find are priceless.

Join the conversation and post a comment.

Infidelity

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , on February 28, 2009 by prekosifa

Guest opinion Masi, Washington DC

Cheatin’, infidelity, creepin’, a bit on the side – call it what you like: the question is why do men and women do it?

HE SAYS: Men cheat for one reason and one reason only – because we want to.

I know it can look as if there are a thousand and one reasons as to why we put it about a bit (okay, a lot): we blame our women, our jobs, other women, medical conditions, the list is endless. But the bottom line is we cheat because we want to. It’s that simple.

SHE SAYS: It’s that outrageous – women at least cheat for good reasons – revenge or necessity – not gratuitous just-because-I-want-to-ness! We cheat when we’ve caught you out a couple of times and  – good or bad –  are not quite ready to leave your cheating ass. The revenge affair helps restore our sanity, for a while at least. Chances are it will be short-lived, with an ex or friend-with-benefits and you will never know about it. In fact you should be grateful because the revenge affair buys you time to redeem yourself (or not as is usually the case.)

Secondly, we cheat out of necessity: like when the perfect guy falls short in the bedroom (no pun intended) and when we consider leaving someone who is a good provider, loves his mum and gives a dollar to a hobo here and there, a necessity affair seems like a better option. For a while, a girl can have it all – a good man and a good shag.

Like the revenge affair, it buys time for the guy to get his act together (or not) or for the gal to find her courage and leave. Bottom line though all affairs – even out of revenge or necessity – don’t solve the problem, they just prolong the misery.

HE SAYS: Please. Nobody has to do anything. Stop laying the blame on somebody else’s doorstep. Whatever happened to taking responsibility? 

We live in a world based on a basic lie as far as relationships go. Do you know what that lie is? One word…monogamy. 

SHE SAYS: Monogamy is not just a word though – it’s a decision, it’s about making a grown up choice  to be in  a relationship or marriage that is good and strong and loving. Are you in it to build or destroy?

HE SAYS: We have tried and failed for centuries to live up to this monogamous ideal, it’s safe to say it doesn’t work and in fact it doesn’t feel natural. Maybe polygamy is the norm.

SHE SAYS: No way – for one thing polygamy doesn’t offer much benefit to women – it just burdens us with cooperating with your failure to function in a committed relationship. You don’t get my permission to bring another woman into our relationship – ever.

HE SAYS: Look, under the current model of relationships this is what is supposed to happen:

 We meet a woman. We fall in love. We move in together. We get married. We have kids. Kids leave home. Oh yeah and the climax?

 We die. Not exactly exciting.

 In the real world or man’s world if you like, we meet a woman (we are looking at other women.) We fall in love (we are looking at other women.) We move in together (we are looking at other women.) We get married and yes we are still looking at other women. We have kids, physically things change so we are looking even harder at other probably younger women. Kids leave home (and we are still looking at other women.) Then we die, with a smile.  

 SHE SAYS: We look too, we may be more discreet about it but we definitely enjoy a little eye candy as much as any man…

 HE SAYS:  I’m not finished – we look then we swear she’s just a friend, then we start coming home late from work and well, you know the rest.  We cheat because we want to and there’s really nothing wrong with that.

SHE SAYS: There’s a lot wrong with that – for one it usually involves lying to the wife/partner and even the other woman. Lies are not right or good, just wrong. When the truth comes out, as it always does, there’s a lot of hurt and destruction. Hurting people and destroying families is not right or good, just wrong. 

HE SAYS: There is no such thing as right or wrong – just different view points.  The problem is not what a man does with other women, it’s what his woman thinks it means about her relationship with him. You see to us it doesn’t mean anything at all about the relationship because the two are separate issues. 

SHE SAYS: So the problem is in our heads now? I don’t think so. The two are not separate at all. If the tables were turned you’d be crying into your beer with your mates, badmouthing all the bad girls that have brought good men down – think Delilah, Robin Givens, Elliot Spitzer’s call girl. Bottom line: infidelity hurts people and destroys relationships. 

HE SAYS: It’s not that deep – infidelity doesn’t hurt people, the lies and deceit do. The stories, hidden hotel receipts, the lingerie from Victoria’s Secret not in your size… 

Bottom line: men cheat because we want to, we’re not going to stop any time soon so accept it and worry about more important things.

SHE SAYS: I respect anyone’s right to sleep with whoever, wherever and whenever – just not at other people’s expense. It’s about common decency and basic respect. If you can’t be faithful don’t get married and don’t call yourself in a committed relationship – end of story.

Who’s right? Join the conversation and make a comment.