Archive for September, 2009

The Quid Pro Quo of Relationships

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , on September 27, 2009 by prekosifa

There are those of us that believe in the traditional relationship set up. Man and woman together, man works, woman tends the home, man does the manly chores, woman cooks, both raise the child in their own way, the woman giving the caring side, the man the survival side needed to live in this world. All in all a harmonious thing and a relationship model that works.

As time has moved on things are changing, the woman’s role has become, some would say, more masculine, and men, a touch more feminine, where would we be without metro-sexual man and his ‘man bag’, and in some cases, mascara? But with this major fundamental social change some attitudes have stayed the same. Simply put, though the roles have changed the rules haven’t, cue arguments, breakups and unhappiness.

balance

So what’s missing?

The quid pro quo. Defintion: from the Latin meaning “something for something’ it indicates a more-or-less equal exchange or substitution of goods or services. English speakers often use the term to mean “a favor for a favor” and the phrases with almost identical meaning include: “what for what,” “give and take,” “tit for tat”, “this for that”, and “you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours’.

The other day whilst I was sipping my decaf double mocha latte with a cinnamon and nutmeg twist in Starbucks, (Is that a metro man thing or what?). I eavesdropped on the conversation two thirty something women were having at the table next to me. They were discussing relationships and woman A said that she wanted a man that would do ‘manly’ things. She wanted to be cared for and looked after, she wanted roses and walks in the park and all that gushy stuff, (she was clearly a product of Mills and Boon books and old Hollywood films). Her friend, on the other hand, said she wanted a relationship which was equal.

‘In what way?’ enquired Woman A, with a puzzled look on her face.

‘Equal in that we both give and both receive and are both happy and content’, she replied.
You see she had been in too many relationships where she felt she had given more than she had gotten in return and this had left her angry, frustrated and lonely, she felt she had been taken advantage of. Before they left she mentioned that sex had to be used as a bartering tool because it was the only way she got what she wanted!

I had to physically stop myself from prying further into her life. I wanted to know more and thought I needed all the details until it dawned on me that I didn’t need them at all. Common sense tells us that in life, like in physics there is a point of perfect balance called equilibrium. When we find equilibrium in a relationship we end up with a good, solid working partnership on which bigger, better and greater things can be built. When we don’t have it, not surprisingly, the relationship doesn’t work. I used to constantly get angry at an ex girlfriend of mine because I had it she just wanted lots of things from me. That wasn’t the issue though, the true issue was that my needs were not being met.

If they were then what she was asking for wouldn’t have seemed like such a big deal.

I can imagine that Woman A with all her wants was perhaps having difficultly in finding Prince Charming because her demands were not being met by enough going the other way. What was she willing to offer? What did the man get out of the bargain? Did she even care? Woman B seemed to have based a lot on sex, as does often happen. Ladies, this will not always be enough. Please do not make the assumption that as soon as we see some bare flesh and are on a promise, we will be happy as larry, because we won’t be, not all of the time anyway. Maybe her ex man would have preferred to have a meal waiting for him instead, or be picked up from work.

Whatever the reason, there was one, and if she found it there would be balance, and if their was balance she would probably still have been in a relationship.

I have it that relationships can all work better as long as we take the time to truly find out what our partners really want, need and care about. The most important person to each of us is ourselves and when our needs are not being met, there will be desertion, anger and sometimes, downright hatred in the camp.

Things to consider when seeking relationship equilibrium:

  1. What kind of relationship does your partner want, old school or new cool?
  2. Ask yourself, ‘what things does my partner expect?’
  3. Tell your partner what you would like and not like?
  4. Discuss, everything together to find your point of equilibrium
  5. Once found, always double check to make sure it is maintained. As  relationships develop so do needs and wants and it is very easy to lose the point of balance

If you’re in a relationship and having some problems, major or minor, it may well be worth checking where you are on the equilibrium scale.

Join the conversation, leave a comment.

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How far is too far for revenge?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , on September 20, 2009 by prekosifa

I chuckled this week as I read about four women who decided to teach their cheating man a lesson. They found out that he’d been  sleeping with all of them including two sisters  – you go guy! Outraged, the women saw fit to superglue his penis to his stomach. That’ll teach him right? Perhaps. Yes it is funny and yes he will never forget his ordeal, it may even make him mend his cheating ways and  treat women with more respect in the future. Who knows? What we do know for sure is that the four women have been charged with a crime and could face a maximum penalty of six years in prison. (Note: whenever papers say ‘could’ it usually means ‘wont’ but I wouldn’t like to be them right now!)

Jazmine busts windows out of cars, how far will you go for revenge?

She busts windows out of cars, how far will you go?

I laughed initially because the thought of standing, looking in the mirror and my penis not falling down, is kind of funny. I then imagined the pain the victim would have to suffer for his kit to be detached and it wasn’t so funny anymore. Apart from physical damage, the shock may have an emotional impact and trigger erectile dysfunction. The list of potential problems is endless. Maybe he won’t be affected at all. Who cares, right?

Shit happens in life and we move on.

What struck me about this story is the way we as individuals fail to take responsibility for our actions and the part we play in anything. I was also fascinated by how quickly things can get out of hand when mob psychology kicks in. I can imagine the conversation the women had beforehand. In a group of people there is the rational one, the one who will go along with anything, the quiet one who won’t say either way if she agrees or not and the absolute nutter. Between them the four  came to the conclusion that glueing the cheat’s penis was a legitimate thing to do. Can you imagine how bad it could have been? This guy was probably lucky that they didn’t do a Bobbitt on him!

But how far is too far for revenge?

So you find out your partner is cheating on you, what do you do? It would be great to have a book that lists every possible sexual misdemeanour  and in a column next to it,  the appropriate punishment. The book could be sanctioned by the law courts so when cases end up in court they could be fast tracked, saving taxpayers money in the process. Such a book would be invaluable because we live in a world where sexual infidelity is rife. Something needs to happen but of course such a book does not exist, a real shame.

The punishment should fit the crime is an okay motto to live by but what it really points at is the lack of self esteem and respect that we have for ourselves. If someone cheats on us the first thing we think is that we are being laughed at. We make it personal and all about us. We get angry and bay for that person’s blood. We may use violence or ridicule them, one thing is certain, we want them to pay.

But what if we didn’t see it like that? What if we had some self respect and realised that this person who has chosen to do us wrong has already shot themselves in the foot? Because of their actions they lose you and no longer have a place in the family. Now I am not saying it won’t hurt, betrayal usually does, but to me there is something about lowering yourself to the cheat’s standards and fighting back dirty. You don’t need to because you already have the upper hand, you just have to realise it.

So how do you know how far is too far for revenge?

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you’ve already gone too far!

  1. Can you get arrested for it?
  2. Can you spend time in prison for it?
  3. In doing it, do you lose the upper hand of the moral argument?
  4. Once done do you only feel good for a short time before the reality of what you’ve done kicks in?
  5. Are you looking for an apology from the culprit?
  6. Will your friends be ashamed of you for doing it?
  7. Would your kids be sad you did it?
  8. Would you end up in the tabloid papers?
  9. Will you regret it afterwards?

They say revenge is a dish best served cold, maybe it’s a dish that’s best not served at all.

Join the conversation and leave a comment.

Why do we love porn so much?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , on September 13, 2009 by prekosifa

So, I’m 12-years old and sitting on the toilet on a Saturday morning. I’m deep in thought because a week earlier I had spied my older brother bringing some porn magazines into the house. They were shared out between my older brothers and cousins and I tracked them until the Wednesday when the trail went cold. My investigations led me to believe that for the past six months, porn magazines had been coming into the house. I had looked everywhere and couldn’t find them, but I knew they were there. I had no leads until that morning when I saw my cousin go into the bathroom with a magazine under his arm but not come out with it. After 20 minutes looking all over the bathroom with no success, I spotted a loose panel on the wall next to the door. It was only open a few millimetres but it was definitely coming away from the wall. Further inspection confirmed my hopes as I pulled it toward me and some magazines fell out. peep showMy joy didn’t last long however because there were only three mags. I was close, but not close enough. Sitting back on the toilet I reviewed what I already knew, but I seemed no closer to finding the bounty. I looked up, I needed guidance. The ceiling was a mix of different coloured plastic panels, the same as the ones where I had found the other mags. Then it hit me. My pulse quickened as I stood on the side of the tub and began pushing the ceiling panels. The first one didn’t move. Neither did the second or the third or fourth one. My persistence paid off when the fifth panel gave way and covered me in hundreds of porn magazines.

I had found the holy grail of adult entertainment and life, for me, would never be the same again.xrated2

So why do we love porn so much? The majority of us will admit that we enjoy having sex. Prostitution is one of the oldest professions in the world. We all acknowledge that sex sells and yet there still seems to be a lot of guilt associated with porn. We feel guilty looking at it, we feel guilty talking about it. There was a time in Ancient Rome when orgies were common place and having various sexual partners was seen as being necessary for a fulfilling relationship. Sexuality as defined today wasn’t an issue, you were just engaging in a sexual act. Even in Victorian England, porn played a major role. Soho in London became famous during this time as a mecca for any sexual deviance that you wanted to partake in.

So what is behind this shift to the negative? Why do we feel this way about something that is natural? I enjoy looking at naked bodies and don’t understand why we should be judged for it. Somewhere along the way someone decided that such thoughts and practices were immoral, forcing the pleasurable underground, to be enjoyed in secret and with respectable amounts of guilt. The problem though is that nature dictates how we act and behave, not the invented social norms or written laws of man.

The fact that porn is a staple in many households tells its own story.

xratedThe next time you have a moment alone, put on a porn flick and take out a pen and paper. The visual medium that underlies all porn makes it possible for us to learn from it. Pick up new positions, study form, check out what goes where, there really is no alternative when trying to learn something without getting your hands dirty…well I guess that depends! Porn is great for testing your boundaries and allows you to find out where your partners boundaries lie because it’s a safe way to check out the answer to the question ‘I wonder if…’

Porn is also a great way to explore your fantasies and probably the safest affair there is.

Porn used in a loving relationship (with mutual consent) can add to your bedroom experiences. Not only is it a huge turn on to watch with your partner but it also opens up discussions that you may not usually have. It breaks down barriers and can lead to some very interesting nights under the covers (or in the field behind your house!) The Internet has made porn more accessible and you don’t have to put on a disguise before going to your local video shop. You are now able to see and enjoy things about everything from sex with animals, s&m, bondage, transsexual sex, interracial sex, big boobs, big dicks, pregnant women, gay, bisexual, milfs – the list is endless – from the comfort of your own home. Without porn you could be missing out on the biggest and best thrill of your life and that is why we love it so damn much!

Join the conversation, leave a comment.

So, exactly how many is too many?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , on September 6, 2009 by prekosifa

I was listening to a female dj on the radio the other day and a woman had written in with a dilemma. Her fiancé had asked her how many men she had slept with prior to him and she had told him 14 (she was in her mid-thirties and to me this is a below average number and a good score for a potential wife). Her fiancé flipped, calling her a slag, ho’ and a whole host of other words of that genre. The dilemma she had though was that she hadn’t told him the truth in the first place. The real number of men that had stoked her fire was actually 34. Could or should she tell him the whole truth ?

counting numbers

We live in a society where it’s acceptable for a man to have as many conquests as possible from the time he gets his first hard on, but preferable for a woman to be a virgin (or something close to that) until she gets married. It is what we are told is the norm and expect to happen. We see on the television and in the cinemas. The truth is though that both men and women love to have sex. It gives you something to do at 6 in the morning; you can start your day with a bang, and bang on all day if you want to. It’s necessary for the miracle of childbirth and creates much jobs, the porn industry even does well in a recession!

Inevitably questions get asked. How many have you had is a reasonable enough question for someone embarking on a new relationship to ask a prospective significant other. It’s okay to want to know how many previous owners there have been and if there have been any serious scrapes or accidents. Some people even want  details and this too is fine if done in a loving relationship where no one is judged for previous sexual relations. It can add spice to a relationship if you are that way inclined. Questions are fine, they are allowed. But be happy with the answer. See the answer for what it is – just a number that really  doesn’t mean anything.

When a woman tells you how many men she has slept with, she won’t necessarily tell you the truth. She may only count the ones she enjoyed, or the ones she loved, or the ones that she remembers! Whatever number she comes up with will not be a reflection of the true state of affairs. It may well be just a number plucked from mid air. Her creative accounting is justifiable because most men will react like the guy on the radio did.

It’s okay to genuinely want to forget certain night-time encounters because they were so bad. Fact is fellas, the number of partners doesn’t matter because you really can’t handle the truth and she is lying anyway. A man will be thinking about the number of hard dicks his woman has had and will assume she is constantly making comparisons, marking him on a non-existent score card, (hmmn… bigger than Billy, a bit smaller than Winston!) It’s this thought that infects our minds and makes us unable to deal with this, not the actual statistics.

When a man tells you how many women he has slept with, he won’t tell you the truth. He may include the automatic triple start up (this figure denotes the girls he must have had sex with if he indeed started having sex at 15, and not 18 as his first encounter would testify); the girls he should have had during his week in Ibiza; the girls he almost fucked; the girls he wished he had; and the girl everyone thinks he fucked. Girls, the number of partners he has had doesn’t matter either because you can’t believe the score and you cannot use the figure to guess how good this guy should be in the sack.

So what we end up with is a nonsense conversation. The figure doesn’t tell you anything about the character of the person. If she has had 100 partners it doesn’t mean she is loose, anymore than someone who has had only 1 partner is saintly (she may just have been very unsuccessful at getting laid!) Guys especially treat this figure like it is a holy number, like it tells us all we need to know about someone. It doesn’t and it can’t. You may know you have ten chicken pieces in a bucket, but you can’t tell if they all taste good!

3 tips on what to do if asked how many partners you have had:

  1. Don’t tell
  2. No,  really don’t tell
  3. Don’t you dare fucking tell!

Join the conversation, leave a comment (not a number!)