Archive for August, 2009

Who destroys the marriage – the cheating husband, wife or other woman?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , on August 30, 2009 by prekosifa

A friend of mine had an affair and got caught by his wife. My friend blamed his wife because, as he saw it, ‘if she was a better wife, he wouldn’t have strayed’. His wife blamed the other woman and her husband. So what we have is a three-way situation, and basic human theory tells me that not all three people can be to blame right? Wrong, because in real life we are all responsible.

His wife blamed the other woman. Why? ‘She should have known that he was out of bounds. It is therefore a personal slight and she showed a lack of respect for me. If I see her on the street I will open a can of whup ass on her and slap her senseless. How dare she do that to me? What kind of woman goes after another woman’s man? The dirty slapper bitch! I am going to phone her right now, tell her husband. She’s gonna regret trying to take mine.’

His wife also blamed him. Why? ‘You low down dirty, sleezy rat bastard!! How could you do that to me, to us. I loved you. This means you don’t love me and never have done. I gave you everything. I cleaned your shit when I had to clean, fed you when you were hungry and fucked you when you wanted to get fucked. I raised your kids and sat through endless hours of your family reunions because another one of your fuckin’ siblings was getting married. You hurt me and I can never forgive you. I gave you everything and this is how you repay me?’

My friend blamed his wife. ‘If you weren’t so fuckin boring I wouldn’t have strayed in the first place. You don’t notice me anymore. I have to get a goddamn appointment to stroke your fuckin knee for chrissakes! All I do is work to put food on your table and clothes on your back and shoes on your fuckin feet. To you, I am just a walking credit card which was fine at first, but lately you been holding back the interest payments. So I lost interest. You don’t even wear nice things to bed anymore, just a pair of jogging bottoms and that fuckin’ face cream that’s supposed to make you look younger. It doesn’t by the way! It was just sex. It didn’t mean anything.’

Blame shifts from one person to the other like a bad tempered STD, but eventually the truth comes out. Before that though, there is a lot of shouting, a lot of nasty things said  and a lot of hatred that spills out, affecting those we care about. Children get a raw deal being thrown from pillar to post and having to endure nasty words that are spat out about their errant dad, or bitch of a mum. When the smoke clears do you think your children forget? Do you think they can? Read more on why it’s smarter not to blame.

You don’t have to be a scientist to understand that every cause has an effect. You have to decide how big you want that to be. Some people choose violence, opting to respond to an emotinal battering with their fists by beating the shit out of the other guy and/or woman as if violence ever really sorts things out. Some people go too far, people get maimed or even murdered and they think taking a human life in exchange for hurt feelings is justifiable.

Another friend of mine beat the shit out of the guy who had an affair with his wife. He was congratulated by all but one of his ‘friends’. The one who went against public opinion took him aside and pointed out that you get arrested for ABH but not for adultery and ironically my friend’s future now lay in the hands of someone who had no reason at all to want to help him.  Talk about a stupid situation to put yourself in.

So, your partner cheated on you, the dust has settled, and you are ready to answer the hardest question – why? Ultimately you can only speak from your own perspective. Your answers can only start with ‘I’, not ‘he’ or ‘she’, so that you can take the first step towards closure by knowing what role you played in it. You may not like it but just like taking milk of magnesia, when you feel better, who cares.

In my friend’s situation, his wife eventually stopped blaming him and the other woman.  He also stopped blaming her. Ultimately they admitted that their marriage was over, separated but remain good friends. No, this is not a fairy tale ending but it is a real world resolution.

Remember just 3 things:

  1. Don’t rush the process – take a deep breath and take yourself out of the picture. Give yourself time to go on the emotional rollercoaster where anger meets hate and explodes and see your way through it. On the other side you will avoid making rash decisions and be better prepared to talk.
  2. Look at yourself – be honest and realistic about your needs and your partner’s needs. An infidelity, like self harm, can be a cry for help or attention. If your partner says he/she cheated because you did something, then look at that. If you disagree it doesn’t mean they are wrong or you are right so you can’t really argue that point. But what it can give you is an insight into things that you perhaps hadn’t noticed before this.
  3. Take control – know what you want the outcome to be. In short don’t go down the route of making him/her pay for their indiscretion for as long as you can. This will not make you happy, it will just create an unsuitable and toxic environment for all involved. An affair may signal the end of the relationship and if so you can at least work to make sure the relationship ends the way you want it to. It can also signal an opportunity for growth and sometimes people come out on the other side, stronger and together.

However it ends, you can choose to come out on the other side having learned something about yourself and a bit wiser for the experience.

Join the conversation and leave a comment.


So, you wanna have a one night stand?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2009 by prekosifa

Growing up I often came across that phenomenon known as the one night stand. My older brother, a lothario of his own making, often had ladies coming back to the family home after a night out at the club. In the early hours of the morning I would hear the giggling, listen to the moaning and sometimes, whilst in the midst of sleep, come across a scantily clad female as I made my to the bathroom for a piss. I would say the obligatory hello to the dumbstruck lady and then forget about the whole experience the following day, thinking it had all been a sweet dream!

Not everyone can do a one night stand – that is, have sex with a virtual stranger usually whilst either high or drunk. And let’s face it, not everyone wants to. But there are a growing number of people out there who do enjoy playing this kind of sexual roulette. The sheer volume of singles bars and thousands, maybe millions of condoms sold out of a club toilet on any given weekend are testament to this (although you only get two in a pack).

Today the classic one night stand has even taken on many variations and you can have your pick of random, preferably meaningless, encounters. Take your pick from:

  • The noon-er – lunchtime fumble and rumble
  • The one day stand – same as the one night stand except the curtains are open and it is way before night fall
  • The slaggy slurpy – blow job behind a fire escape at your local club with the resident scrub
  • The hob nob – quickie over a coffee where the only cookies in sight are the human kind

You can even choose to have sex by the hour, on the hour, on the half hour – the list is endless. I hear talk of guys up North (of England) playing the ‘How many in 60 mins?’ game, aka Quickshagging. We are in a free market in more ways than one and sex has become just another commodity.

The choice is yours of course but whatever you opt for, remember that the rules always remain the same. So, whether you are an experienced shagger or new to the game, knowing the rules of engagement is always useful.  If you want to avoid that beautiful social stalker or the guy who thinks marriage just because you came more than once… then this is for you. Read the rules, follow them and most of all enjoy living by them!

The Rules

  1. Manage expectations in advance – all parties should be clear that this is a hook up, nothing more and nothing less.
  2. Leave before sunrise – no lingering. One minute too late and your presence could be mistaken for something that it is not – like a serious contender for a fledgling relationship. If that’s not your intention then leave on time every time! Give the man (or woman) time to change the sheets AND DON’T FIX OR ACCEPT AN OFFER OF BREAKFAST!
  3. Be honest – if you get lucky and find yourself in an impromptu encounter without time to manage expectations in advance (see Rule #1) then before you go for the kill state your position. Not easy in the heat of the moment I know but this little step could save you a lot of hassle after the fact. Besides, quickshags are more popular now than in Rome back in its heyday, so don’t think you may offend!
  4. Enjoy the ride – if you excuse the pun, you have nothing to lose and in theory will never have to see this person again (except by mutual request for a repeat performance). This is the perfect opportunity to try out all that kinky stuff you might be shy about in a relationship like swinging on the chandeliers or putting something sticky and edible on his or her best bits (you could give a whole new meaning to the old peanut butter and jelly sandwich!) Hell go to town and try out some of those weird and wonderful kama sutra positions but be careful. Don’t go showing off, especially if using drugs, because a 24-hour boner will only land you in the ER not the record books!
  5. Use protection – because there is never any excuse to have unprotected sex with a random/irregular/ugly-when-you-are-sober partner. Never. Ever. No exceptions. For one thing, having to ask someone’s last name when you’re registering the birth of a child you clearly did not plan on having is just not cool (that’s if you even know about the kid in the first place). Secondly, one of the perks of a one night stand is the freedom to walk away and not look back. Having to call someone to confront them about giving you a nasty case of the clap or worse, (and there is much much worse out there) is not the way to go, it takes the thrill out of the whole thing. Also ladies if you are going to go straight down to some good old fashioned blowjobbing, understand that STDs don’t glow in the dark and yes you can pick them up from oral sex. The same goes to you guys that just love to chew! Be careful down there.

One night stands don’t have to be complicated. In theory we all understand what they are meant to be but when boundaries get blurred it creates confusion and at least one broken heart follows. It’s not that deep and it doesn’t have to be that complicated if all involved learn then stick to the rules. Understand these rules and you never have to find yourself avoiding stalker calls from a one night stand that didn’t get that that’s all they were ever meant to be!

Join the conversation, leave a comment.

Should you be friends or lovers?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , on August 16, 2009 by prekosifa

We seek out love in all the wrong places as we grow up. Eventually we realise that sometimes love is right in front of us, and always has been, neatly disguised in the form of someone who has always had your back, who you have loads of fun with, who gets you on that important getting level, loves you unconditionally and will possibly do anything for you. Though it sounds like the recipe for a perfect relationship, that perfect person is actually your friend.

That’s right, the one you share stories about your conquests with, the one who goes with you to the hospital, the one who knows your family and gets on with just about everyone you know. Possibly the last person you would think of as a potential partner is just that.

However, stepping into this territory is not a given for happiness your friend is a friend for a reason and friends do not grow on trees. A few years ago when I was dating I had a particular friend that I could tell about all my exploits. She gave me advice, hung out with me and we always had a great time. My expectations of her were not the same as of a romantic partner, so she could say and do anything she pleased. I always knew that she had my best interest at heart, as I did for her. My friends to this day don’t understand why I didn’t end up with her and my response to them was why spoil something special. What I had with her wasn’t available everywhere and I valued her as a friend much more than I wanted to fuck her. If we did do something I may have lost the friend that I valued so much.

There is a reason why friends are friends and lovers are lovers. We may claim that we want our partner to be our best friend but is this really the truth? Maybe for some of you, but if you think about it when you have a problem in your relationship, who do you go to? Many of us go to someone we see as being a safe place – a friend – because they give us a sense of perspective about things which we so often need in life.

So what am I advocating here? Am I for or against this kind of love? Well the romantic in me has got to be for it. Friends understand you, love you and respect you. If you are lucky enough to have this kind of person in your life why would you fuck about waiting and trying out loads of other people? There are some risks however, you guys may not hit it off as partners, the sex may be terrible, or he/she may leave toenails in the kitchen sink, I could go on. But then these are just things that can be an issue in any relationship. More importantly, you may end up losing a good friend and good friends are extremely hard to find.

If you do find yourself in this kind of situation there are some things you can do.

Be honest with yourself and about your feelings. Recognise and be with how you feel about your friend. If you find yourself getting jealous or missing them, let them know. You should be able to talk to a good friend about anything so use that opportunity.

Be realistic and aware of the fact that if you spend a lot of time with or talking to someone you will possibly end up falling for that person. When you open up with someone you are giving a part of yourself and it’s easy to confuse the emotional intimacy created by that sharing of your deepest self for real love. Know yourself, know how you feel and know what you really want.

Above all else, enjoy yourself and if you are unsure, try it out. Good sex can come from good conversation so the sex will probably be great. If it doesn’t work out it’s possible that the friendship will survive and be stronger for it without the what if question looming over it. Either way play the game to the fullest and enjoy yourself whilst playing!

At the end of the day life is too short to keep getting into one unfulfilling relationship after another, after another. I believe in spirit and reincarnation, and that the people around us now have been there before, in a past life. Stay with me. Your brothers and sisters of today may have been your friends and parents of yesterday, your lover could have been your pet rabbit and your friend may have been your boss.

Whatever and whoever anyone is, you have a bond with your friend and it is this bond that can never be broken. If you want true happiness and are not afraid to trygo on, sleep with your friend and find out if the perfect relationship has been right under your nose all the time.

Join the conversation and leave a comment.

Can long distance love ever work?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , on August 8, 2009 by prekosifa

The politically correct answer of course is yes it can – in a perfect world where love is like a Disney film (circa 1950), with roses, cute animals and white doves flying around everywhere; where women wait for years to be woken from their slumber by a perfect kiss from a perfect and princely stranger. Awww! Beautiful! It’s Hollywood love, where we feel as if we are flying high in the clouds and that 1000 miles is not far enough to stop the beating of two hearts made only for each other.

The harsh reality is that long distance just doesn’t work for a multitude of reasons. Firstly, if you are anything like me, regular as clockwork at 7am, I have a woody the size of….well…a woody! In a regular relationship this presents an opportunity for some pre-work nookie, guaranteed to put a smile on your face and have you singing chimchiminee for the rest of the day. Long distance? You can get on the phone (after checking the time in Central Eurwherethefuckasia) and best case – phone sex, worst case – she’s still asleep and pissed as hell for being woken up!

Secondly, there’s your office party and having to book your absent half’s attendance months in advance then pray that you don’t lose your job or the airline doesn’t go out of business. Surprise gatherings can happen only when planned with the precision of a SWAT team Christmas party and spontaneous can never really happen!

Picture 18

But there is love involved in all of this and for love we do some crazy things, like get involved in a long distance relationship and actually believe it will work. We love the idea of endless love; love that allows you to ignore every other female in a club and walk out smugly with that I’m going to get laid in two weeks anyway look on your face! We think it looks good to others because we are willing to sacrifice a lot for the sake of love, an act that surely must show everyone just how deeply we can love. Beautiful right?

Long distance relationships in most cases don’t work out, whether it’s between couples in London and Manchester or Lisbon and Los Angeles. They don’t work because the people involved are working off the old relationship model which is okay with a girl that lives next door or at least in the same vicinity. People in successful long distance relationships understand that and what it takes to overcome the separation.

So what does it take and how can you make it work?

Confidence. You have to be extremely self-assured, not smug or conceited (although it can help!). You have to be the kind of person who enjoys your own company and don’t need anyone to validate you. If you are happy going out to dinner or a nightclub by yourself then you may be a better candidate than most for a long distance liaison.

Acceptance. You have to be comfortable with the knowledge that your partner has a full and vibrant social life away from you and be willing to hear all about their good times on calls you’d rather devote to phone sex. So what if she goes out to dinner with James and Roger from the office? So what if she goes camping with Johann and his lesbian wife Angelique? You still have to be the same guy on the end of the phone when she calls, providing a safe space for her to be who she is. Ladies the reverse is also true.

Honesty. We all know deep down what we can and cannot handle. Some people believe that relationship rules are geo-specific (i.e. that girl you fucked in Bali doesn’t count because it’s not part of the EU argument!) If you both agree to this, then it’s fine. If you don’t agree then you have a problem because infidelity doesn’t care what language you are using.

So no matter how fine she is or how big he is, if you have any doubts about your capacity to survive a long distance relationship then don’t do it. You’ll only wind up spending lonely days wondering where she is, what she is doing, what she is wearing or whom she is with and lots of other questions beginning with a ‘W’. The extra weight on your head (which could have been avoided) will turn you into a long distance stalker and believe me when I say Interpol will happily knock on your door to set you straight.

Join the conversation and leave a comment.

What makes a good relationship?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , on August 2, 2009 by prekosifa

Having been in a few long term relationships in my time  –  all of which have  failed, some more dramatically so than others –  I reckon I know a thing or two about what works and definitely something about what doesn’t. I’m not in a relationship now, nor am I looking for one but based on where I went wrong in the past, I’m in a great position to share some key lessons that I’ve learned the hard way. When I look honestly at my past loves, I can see that they weren’t all ‘psycho bitches.’ The fact that now all of them are in long term relationships lets me know what the problem (and their common factor) was – me.

Here’s what I know about making relationships good:

Being kind, not cruel. Honesty is good and I’m all for freedom of expression. It’s okay to speak your truth and to feel safe enough to say what’s on your mind.  In exercising that freedom though it’s worth considering the impact  your words can have on another person. It’s very easy to criticise your partner but there’s a difference between honestly expressing your disapproval and  leaving someone feeling deflated. For everything bad you could say, you can also choose to say something good. Whoever said words can never hurt lied, give me sticks and stones anytime. When you have something negative to say, balance it with something positive and by choosing kind words.

Being open, not closed. If you’re comfortable enough to take a dump and wipe your ass in front of your partner whilst having a discussion about politics or whether to have sweetcorn or cabbage for dinner, then you are totally free being yourself in that shared space – warts and all. We spend a hell of a lot of time with our other half and many of us only find the time to be ourselves when we are actually by ourselves.

It’s easier than you might think to fall into the trap of playing at being in the relationship but not really enjoying true intimacy. Many of us enter a relationship not knowing how to actually do the relationship thing and find ourselves being what we think we are supposed to be. We go into it with wounds still fresh from the past and end up having petty arguments or overreacting to seemingly unimportant things in the present.

Being open in a relationship gives the partnership something special  and it creates a scared space made up of a little bit of each of you. It’s kind of like drawing two circles that overlap, making three distinct areas – you, your partner and that scared space known as ‘us’.  Your  relationship lives in that overlap. Without openness you lose touch with your partner and could even find yourself waking up to discover your wife of ten years has been secretly fuckin’ the pizza guy (because of her penchant for scooter sex!) or that the father of your four children is leaving you to set up home with his personal trainer, Barry, as he approaches mid life, no longer able to conceal his love of spandex!

Being vocal, not silent. Last but definitely not least – communicate. I don’t mean talking for the sake of it, this is about taking the kindness from my first point, combining it with openness and letting your partner know how you feel. It could be about her going to dinner with an ex – you can choose to get pissed off and storm out of the house, you could go and fuck one of your exes (not a good idea, it will catch up with you), you could beat the shit out of her (never acceptable but that’s another post), or you could simply tell her how you feel.

We assume our partner knows what they should or should not do and expect them to just know how we feel. An ex girlfriend of mine didn’t mind me sleeping with other girls, the only caveat was that I tell her. So I had spent years sneaking around behind her back for no reason!  The value of talking about your feelings cannot be underestimated – it’s only when we talk to each other that we know what is really going on with the relationship.

A good conversation can be intelligent, sensual, pornographic, humorous, interesting and much more because when we communicate with someone and really feel as if we are on the same wavelength, something intangible but powerful happens – you feel really connected. I don’t know about you but in my experience a good, kind, open conversation can lead to toe-curlingly great sex, why? Great sex comes through having a strong relationship and without communication you don’t get that. Believe me, it is good to talk.

Join the conversation, leave a comment.