Why are there so many bad fathers?

As the Brits celebrate Mother’s Day on March 21, I think it’s a good time to say what needs to be said: the reason there are so many bad fathers out there is because there are so many bad mothers. Before you click away in disgust, hear me out.

Let’s face it people, baby mommas (for want of a better expression) can cause a magnitude of problems for baby fathers. A woman raising a child by herself assumes she can do a better job than a man. But let’s be clear about something, women are good mothers and men are good fathers, it is not an either/or situation. 

There is an expectation in society of baby mothers doing all the hard work and baby fathers being absent. Think about it. You are in a happy relationship, have a child and then split up. Automatically it is assumed that the child will stay with the mother. Even the law will back this up. What follows is a multitude of other assumptions like the man won’t be around for his child, the man will have problems with any other man around his child, the woman will be a vindictive, greedy  bitch and not work, hoping to live off child support. The myths are endless.

We play out these predetermined roles, ignoring the reality  that there are a lot of good men who want to have a hand in raising their kids. A man has to prove himself far beyond a woman does for the right to be a parent. My theory is that when a couple split up and there is a child involved, the woman decides she and the child are one and therefore the man leaving her is automatically leaving his child as well. It’s as if there is just one being, a mother/child hybrid.

If he’s late to pick up his kid, the mother takes this as personal to her. If he argues with her, she makes it hard to see the child. Why? Because they are one remember. Women try to prove they are the better parent because they are hurt and want to show the ‘loser’ dad that they can do better. It’s not about the child at all. It’s only when things get tough that ‘loser’ dad is summoned urgently to sort out the pre-pubescent child (before said child ends up in prison.)

Women, if this sounds like you, check yourself. Look at your child and ask what would they want? A child needs a father and a mother in his/her life – fact. That is how the world is designed and you know what? It works. 

The fact that some women get it wrong does not abdicate men of responsibility in this mess. There are two types of guys in society: men who want to be fathers and men who don’t. Simple. The men that want to be fathers do the best they can by their kids. They will climb buildings to show how important fathers’ rights are. They will take their daughters shopping for that first tampon. They will work all the hours God sends to give their offspring more than they had as kids. These are the good guys.

Then there’s the other type (you know who you are.) They view fatherhood as a right to sleep with their baby mommas forever. They see kids as a bargaining tool and a reason to hate their ex or as an excuse to take issue with the way she lives her life. If you don’t want to be a father at least have the balls to say so loud and clear. No excuses, no reasons, just admit to yourself that you don’t have the desire or what it takes and are not capable of caring about anyone else. Then step aside and let a real man take over.

Lads, unless you have a workable relationship with your child’s mother, you are making life extremely hard for yourself. A family is a family and whether you like it or not you are part of a family when you have kids. The location of the individual family members is irrelevant. Under the same roof or not, a good relationship between parents is the key to a good relationship with the kids. 

Recently I asked an old friend about his estranged children. He spent over 45 minutes demonising his ex and blaming her for his poor relationship with their kids. My friend is not an exception. My question for him and other men is how long are you going to play the victim? It’s not rocket science – if you want to have a happy relationship with your kids then a good relationship with their mother is a must. If you think it’s not possible then stop reading now!

Meet the challenge and do the work required to build a respectful and functional friendship with your ex. I’m not saying it’s easy but too many of us give up at the first hurdle. It may take longer than you would like and you may keep hitting a brick wall, but remember what’s at stake and keep going.

Ultimately there is no problem that can’t be solved with conversation; it’s not about right or wrong just different viewpoints. For the sake of the children look at it from their perspective. Kids, if allowed, have a lot to teach their parents. Yet so often what happens is that we ignore them and assume we know best.

Mothers and fathers need to remember that parenthood is not about parents, it’s about children.

Are you doing right by yours? Join the conversation and post a comment.

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11 Responses to “Why are there so many bad fathers?”

  1. Ms lovinlivin Says:

    ENOUGH OF THAT NICE COMPASSIONATE SHIT. Now for the nuts and bolts. So far we’ve had blamers, victims and do gooder superheroes. Sounds really impressive to those who are interested in either who you aspire to be when YOU know you’re not or those who angrily (blamers) or passivley (victims) want to justify one of the following:-
    1 You had a shit relationship with one or both of your own parents, your too proud or precious to sort it the hell out and you still want them to be responsible for how your life did or didn’t turn out.
    2 You picked a partner that you knew was a prick when you met them but you were stupid enough to think (because YOU’RE so unique) that things will be different with you then blame them when its not
    3 (This one is especially to us women) We take over every single aspect of parenting and treat dads as if they are just there to be at our and our childs beck and call when they are newborns, when we get a reality check and the rose coloured mummy glasses come off (and they always do) we were too blind to see that were too busy treating our little bundles like a possession to really engage in joint partenting. Then, shock horror, you get dads who don’t find it too difficult to walk away from the nightmare we’ve become and the assumed nightmare they would have dealing with us just to get access to the child that we have decided to now share.
    Maybe if we weren’t TOO BUSY being self professed responsible parents in the first place we would leave enough space for dads to get responisble. Invariably, its the crap not sorted with our own dads that had us become possesive non-trusting mums allowing us to pick part-timers as dads and treat them accordingly.
    NEED I GO ON?

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