Archive for March, 2009

What men can learn from being cheated on

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , on March 29, 2009 by prekosifa

So I am sitting in a bar last Friday night having a chat with an old friend. We’re catching up on what’s been happening in each other’s lives and he tells me that he and his wife are seperating. 

How come? I ask. 

‘She cheated on me’ comes the reply.

What did you do? I asked him.

‘Beat the shit out of the guy’ he replied nonchalantly. 

I looked at him and replied, deadpan, ‘So how did that work out for you?’

Turns out that he blamed the other guy, someone he never really knew for the reason he was leaving his wife. I heard the classic excuses, ‘you don’t fuck another man’s wife’, ‘He should know better’, ‘She should have spoken to me’. The list was endless and his rant lasted a good 20 minutes. At the end of it I looked at him. He sipped his drink and returned my gaze.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘So what didn’t you do?’

This friend of mine failed to see through his red mist and sheer stubbornness that the failure of his relationship was his fault and his alone. He couldn’t be with the fact that it may have had something to do with him and so he avoided it like the plague. He hadn’t listened to what his woman wanted or needed. He hadn’t taken her seriously throughout the relationship. And finally it came out that he hadn’t been totally honest about his feelings in the relationship either. Let’s face it – if a man comes up to you in the desert, he is bedraggled, starving and in need of some water and asks you for it, the logical response is you give him some water. Clear. If you ignore then walk away from him what kind of person does that make you?

Guys, in a relationship, if your woman says she needs to talk more or see more of you it’s because that’s what she wants and cares enough about you and the relationship to communicate that to you. At that moment you have a choice. Give her what she wants or don’t. With both outcomes there are consequences. Some better than others. Know this though, what you don’t do is ignore her request and then blame someone else down the line for what you failed to do.

Women, the same applies to you. If your man cheats on you, don’t have a brawl with the other woman on the high street. Apart from embarrassing yourself and her, it’s petty and just plain stupid. It is not HER fault that YOUR man sought the refuge of her female kindness. Rather it points out that perhaps your ‘kindness’ wasn’t so kind and if not, why not. Check yourself. Whatever the reason, the first place to start looking is in the mirror.

Now, I write this not to suggest that infidelity is right. We’ve been there before. It happens. Get over it. This is more about what to do if you are the ‘victim’ of it. Life is a journey and that journey looks different for each of us. One thing we have to do though is recognise those things that happen that present us with a teachable moment – a chance to learn something valuable about ourselves and life. 

If you lose your woman, look at what was missing from you and put that into your next relationship. Next time you see the guy who did your wife/girlfriend, buy him a drink and thank him. No, really – say thank you. Maybe even touch fists and if you’re really going for it ask him what got her off, and take notes! If anything he did you a favour and you can learn something from him. Ladies, when you come across that ‘heifer that stole your man’, take her shopping, swap notes, get matching tattoos, whatever! But thank her for showing you something you hadn’t seen before. 

Just think, if we could all just take things on as and when they happen and look at ourselves in the bargain, how great could this world and our relationships be? In life we embark on a series of relationships some personal, some professional, some short, some long. Each relationship we enter is an opportunity to learn and experience growth. 

Even when a relationship doesn’t last as long as you wanted it to or isn’t all you hoped it would be, the learning is yours to keep. No one can take that away, it’s a gift that you get to take with you into future situations so that you do better next time.  Appreciate that and you will never again have to beat yourself up (or anyone else for that matter) about a failed relationship. It may have ended  for whatever reason but if you’re willing to open your eyes and heart on the way out, the lessons you find are priceless.

Join the conversation and post a comment.

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Why are there so many bad fathers?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2009 by prekosifa

As the Brits celebrate Mother’s Day on March 21, I think it’s a good time to say what needs to be said: the reason there are so many bad fathers out there is because there are so many bad mothers. Before you click away in disgust, hear me out.

Let’s face it people, baby mommas (for want of a better expression) can cause a magnitude of problems for baby fathers. A woman raising a child by herself assumes she can do a better job than a man. But let’s be clear about something, women are good mothers and men are good fathers, it is not an either/or situation. 

There is an expectation in society of baby mothers doing all the hard work and baby fathers being absent. Think about it. You are in a happy relationship, have a child and then split up. Automatically it is assumed that the child will stay with the mother. Even the law will back this up. What follows is a multitude of other assumptions like the man won’t be around for his child, the man will have problems with any other man around his child, the woman will be a vindictive, greedy  bitch and not work, hoping to live off child support. The myths are endless.

We play out these predetermined roles, ignoring the reality  that there are a lot of good men who want to have a hand in raising their kids. A man has to prove himself far beyond a woman does for the right to be a parent. My theory is that when a couple split up and there is a child involved, the woman decides she and the child are one and therefore the man leaving her is automatically leaving his child as well. It’s as if there is just one being, a mother/child hybrid.

If he’s late to pick up his kid, the mother takes this as personal to her. If he argues with her, she makes it hard to see the child. Why? Because they are one remember. Women try to prove they are the better parent because they are hurt and want to show the ‘loser’ dad that they can do better. It’s not about the child at all. It’s only when things get tough that ‘loser’ dad is summoned urgently to sort out the pre-pubescent child (before said child ends up in prison.)

Women, if this sounds like you, check yourself. Look at your child and ask what would they want? A child needs a father and a mother in his/her life – fact. That is how the world is designed and you know what? It works. 

The fact that some women get it wrong does not abdicate men of responsibility in this mess. There are two types of guys in society: men who want to be fathers and men who don’t. Simple. The men that want to be fathers do the best they can by their kids. They will climb buildings to show how important fathers’ rights are. They will take their daughters shopping for that first tampon. They will work all the hours God sends to give their offspring more than they had as kids. These are the good guys.

Then there’s the other type (you know who you are.) They view fatherhood as a right to sleep with their baby mommas forever. They see kids as a bargaining tool and a reason to hate their ex or as an excuse to take issue with the way she lives her life. If you don’t want to be a father at least have the balls to say so loud and clear. No excuses, no reasons, just admit to yourself that you don’t have the desire or what it takes and are not capable of caring about anyone else. Then step aside and let a real man take over.

Lads, unless you have a workable relationship with your child’s mother, you are making life extremely hard for yourself. A family is a family and whether you like it or not you are part of a family when you have kids. The location of the individual family members is irrelevant. Under the same roof or not, a good relationship between parents is the key to a good relationship with the kids. 

Recently I asked an old friend about his estranged children. He spent over 45 minutes demonising his ex and blaming her for his poor relationship with their kids. My friend is not an exception. My question for him and other men is how long are you going to play the victim? It’s not rocket science – if you want to have a happy relationship with your kids then a good relationship with their mother is a must. If you think it’s not possible then stop reading now!

Meet the challenge and do the work required to build a respectful and functional friendship with your ex. I’m not saying it’s easy but too many of us give up at the first hurdle. It may take longer than you would like and you may keep hitting a brick wall, but remember what’s at stake and keep going.

Ultimately there is no problem that can’t be solved with conversation; it’s not about right or wrong just different viewpoints. For the sake of the children look at it from their perspective. Kids, if allowed, have a lot to teach their parents. Yet so often what happens is that we ignore them and assume we know best.

Mothers and fathers need to remember that parenthood is not about parents, it’s about children.

Are you doing right by yours? Join the conversation and post a comment.

Why do women let themselves go when they get a man?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2009 by prekosifa

A few years ago when I had been in a long term relationship for a while, I was getting ready for bed and noticed my then girlfriend  in her old t-shirt, hair net covering her crowning glory, face lathered in some cream promising to keep her youthful and wondered how I’d fallen for the oldest trick…again

It seems like one minute I was feeling lucky to have won the heart of the woman of my dreams and now here I was wondering who this woman in old knickers and a pair of socks asking me to have sex was. As I made my way over to her side of the bed, I realised that nothing felt familiar anymore. Her side of the bed was strange to me. Pillows felt different, mattress felt different but more importantly she felt different. 

 

Having obliged the lady (hey who am I to say no) I made the trek back to my side of the bed and fell asleep. No hugs. No kisses. Just sleep. I know now that this was the beginning of the end. Looking back, it’s hard to put a finger on when things actually started to change; it’s like I woke up one day and she’d let herself go. That’s the only way to explain it. (And that’s the story that got told to all my friends!)

 

Women seem to stop making an effort as soon as you give them a few hangers in your wardrobe, then they park their not-so-dainty feet under your table and think they’ve got your ass for life. All of a sudden they start wearing underwear, stop turning up naked in bed and totally abandon the freak that showed so much promise on your first few nights of ecstasy and morph into some lover/mother combination that we just love not to love. 

 

The whole courtship routine that women employ is like a damn covert operation, skillfully using all the latest silk and lace technology from Victoria’s Secret to entice then secure the target of their affections. There’s the make up, pretending to be open minded in bed, wearing our t-shirts better than we could ever hope to and making us feel like number one. It’s all a game, a beautiful game that works and I admit to falling for it every single time. 

 

It seems to me that the process of letting themselves go is as systematic for women as the process of getting you in the first place – slowly over a period of time. So slow in fact, that we men cannot actually tell that things are changing until we wake up one day trying to figure out how we got here and what that woman with curlers in her hair and passing wind freely is doing in our bed?

 

Apparently women think getting a guy to make (reluctantly or otherwise) some kind of grown up and public commitment is the end of the game. It’s like cyclists pedalling a bike as hard as they can for a few minutes then relying on that momentum to take them the rest of the way. It’s a strategy designed to reel us in with acrobatics and fancy lingerie at the beginning so that we are occupied with daydreams of those good old days and don’t notice that those days are gone – for good. If we’re lucky and  ask nicely (read beg) we may get an action replay twice a year, on Valentine’s and her birthday (even that most sacred of holidays Christmas isn’t a sure thing!)

 

When I go to bed at night I want my woman to be wearing nothing, or very little. I don’t want to see makeup on my sheets, I don’t want to see a face pack. I don’t want to see what may be the most comfortable knickers for you but are just passion killers for me. I don’t want to smell anything funny under the duvet and I don’t want to see static under the sheets from your hairy legs! I also don’t want the whole experience to be a big deal.  

 

What I do want is simple. 

 

I want you to make the same effort on day 1001 that you made when I got lucky on day one. And I want you to want it too. Is that too much to ask? I want you to want to make the effort for me because you think I am worth it. In return I promise to do the same for you, not because I have to but because I want to.  It’s a simple proposition – treat us like Kings and we will worship you as Queens and the objects of our desire. 

 

A relationship is not a destination, in fact it can be the journey of a lifetime so ladies, please, dress for the occasion.

 

Am I asking for too much? Join the conversation and post a comment.

 

Is it ever okay to sleep with a friend’s ex?

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , , , , , on March 8, 2009 by prekosifa

One word – no. Well, maybe two words – never ever.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it is anything you should go to prison or hell for but I truly believe that this falls into the moral sphere of what not to do in life.

 

You see amongst us boys there is an unwritten code that we all live by (in theory) and that is any ex partner of a friend of yours officially remains part of his property for life and/or until a reasonable amount of time has passed (at least 15 years) and you and your friend have lost touch or something big like that. 

 

Even then,  a lot of care has to be taken to establish that your friend is truly over his past concubine and that he’s okay with her moving on with you.  And there’s more, even if he says it’s okay, this agreement should not be taken as the absolute truth. Bravado and hurt ego play a major part and unless you are very close and open with each other he may never tell you what this girl really meant to him. It’s complicated.

 

Like everything else in life though, the truth is stuff happens  and I’m an expert in this field because I found myself in this exact situation a few years ago. My best friend became my girlfriend. She was great. We did everything together, went everywhere together and could talk about anything. When our friendship/relationship ended a few years later, she met and started seeing a close friend of mine.

 

The happy part is that they got married, had children and at the time of writing this post, they were still together and doing the happily ever after thing. All is well that ends well right? Well, no actually.  

 

The problem is that when the rest of the guys found out about it they were incensed. It’s something you just don’t do they cried. They lost respect for him and our friendship barely survived the betrayal. You see the fallout wasn’t limited to the three of us – me, him and her – it actually undermined the collective trust that us boys had always taken for granted.

 

It shattered the sacred brotherhood we had shared from childhood and left us all  a bit suspicious of each other – not so quick to introduce our girls to our boys. He wasn’t comfortable. I wasn’t comfortable and she wasn’t comfortable. The boys were never the same again.

 

Don’t get me wrong – I’m old enough to know that the path to true love is never clear or easy and in fact I believe that people can and should be with anyone they want. But when that choice undermines lifelong friendship then I think you have to tread very carefully. For me the friendship factor makes it sacred territory.

 

The girl, at the risk of being mistaken for misogynistic, is disposable but the friendship is not. Lovers may come and go but good friendships last forever.

 

So people, before you dip your wick in somebody else’s ex-candle holder, ask yourself if your friend will get hurt by it. If the answer is yes, put the fire out and move on unless you can honestly say it’s worth it. And women, the same goes for you!

 

What do you think? Join the conversation and post a comment.