When Love is Violent

So Chris Brown is going the way of Ike Turner and beating the one good thing in his life. Rihanna, bleeding, battered and bruised is worried about how jail time will affect HIM! She is the victim and can quite rightly leave his ass or take it to the police…but no.

rihanna_withchris_c_580037g5

So what is going on? Bottom line, we don’t know. What happens behind closed doors is for those involved and any flies eavesdropping. One thing I do know though is that this is a very common thing. Watch any crappy chat show on television and you will see men who beat their women and the women who love them (and vice versa if you stay up late enough!) He’s not really like that they cry in protest. Not really like what? Not a violent woman beater? Not a freakin’ lunatic? I guess the bruises on your face and the crushed self esteem are all part of some conspiracy against the two of you as a couple right? Okay, now I get it.

Women beat men too. There are a lot of men out there who don’t or won’t or can’t admit it happens to them. Can you imagine the scene at the gym – two guys, Mike and Ted bench pressing some serious weight when one notices a mysterious bruise on the other?

MIKE

Ted where did that bruise come from?

TED (embarrased)

The wife hit me

MIKE

What?

TED

A bike hit me

MIKE (laughing)

Damn, for a minute there I thought you said the wife!

We can say no one deserves a beating but that isn’t strictly true. A beating is justified in the eyes of the person doing the beating and when you work from that viewpoint that is all that really matters. It is their opinion, true, but it’s also the opinion that results in someone else getting a battering. It doesn’t matter if you or I disagree. There is no right answer and not much point in looking for one. So what we have is an incident. Something happened and only the two people involved will ever really know what or why.

What is more important is what happens after this incident. Is it okay for Rihanna to just do nothing? Not press charges? Is it okay for any woman or man to do nothing and just hope for a nicer day tomorrow?

FACT: when you do nothing you set yourself up for beating number two, then three – you get the picture? The dynamics of the relationship change and you’re constantly looking for warning signs and trying not to provoke the other person to violence again. You start living a crappy life where your survival depends on the impossible – you being able to read another person’s mind so you can avoid another beating, more bruises and another chink off your self esteem.

It is possible that a man beating his woman is crying out for help. He really wants to be punished and shown a different way. That will only happen though, if he is reported to the police (or to someone bigger than him.) Doing nothing can only lead to more frustration, more beatings…until he lets out a more dramatic cry for help and his wife/girlfriend ends up dead.

I speak from experience.

One day my dad beat my mum. She didn’t do anything. He beat her again. She called the police.

He never beat her again.

The irony is that women ask for true raw emotion but don’t specify how they want to see that manifest. They expect emotion to resemble some Hollywood drama but in reality they get it how they get it. Some women even pride themselves on being able to elicit a slap or punch (followed by making up of course) from their partner. It shows he cares they say. If we dared to ask the question of who threw the first punch in a man-woman fight, we might be surprised by the answer.

Historically, men weren’t just beating their partners; they were killing them and dumping them in the nearest river. Let’s not forget that man is an extremely vicious animal – a survivor. When you look at war, boxing, martial arts or any contact sport it is obvious that man prides himself on winning at being violent. The sexual act itself is a violent act – all the screaming, shouting, demanding, sweating, thrusting – does that sound gentle to you?

The real issue here may be that violence today is frowned upon like it is the worst thing in the world. It isn’t. It just isn’t nice to see sometimes. Violence is never the answer most people would argue. I would argue that it may never be the best answer but it can be a good starting point – even if it only serves to highlight a bigger, underlying issue – it fulfills a function for some.

Men hit women because they choose to. Women hit men because they choose to. Both sides come up with reasons as to why it happened. The bottom line is that we all have choices and if your partner hits you your options are to stay for more or leave fast. Here’s my suggestion: if your man hits you – leave his ass. If your woman hits you – leave her ass. Don’t ask why, don’t make excuses, don’t expect things to get better, and don’t accept his /her trifling apology. Don’t listen to it’ll never happen again, I love you baby, or it must have been the drink. Don’t entertain excuses like stress, work pressure, unemployment or some bad coke. Just leave and call the police on your way out.

Not acting like a victim is what gives you the strength to find a good relationship with a good person who doesn’t need to act out the great fights of the 70’s on you every time he/she hears an imaginary bell ring.
What would you do if you were in Rihanna’s shoes? Join the conversation and post a comment.

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5 Responses to “When Love is Violent”

  1. Hiya!. Thanks for the blog. I’ve been digging around looking some info up for shool, but there is so much out there. Google lead me here – good for you i suppose! Keep up the great information. I will be coming back over here in a couple of days to see if there is any more info.

  2. Chris Kentebe Says:

    Personally, I believe that a man should never hit a woman. Walking away is the best thing. Except where your life is in danger, no other reason would be acceptable.

  3. Mampo-bama Says:

    Great point Doc – fully loving yourself!

    Many of us cannot understand why a woman/man would remain with someone that is consistently violent or abusive. Why would you let someone hit you, degrade you? There are so many reasons why they stay, why is it difficult to make the decision to leave?

    Truth is, many of these abused women/men do not have the courage to leave. Instead they spend years fantasizing about leaving, often wanting desperately to leave, and never daring to do so. Sad thing is abusers are never interested in helping you, they are interested in keeping you dependent – it’s a key life skill for them, which is why abused women/men in general, find it so hard to leave. Also in most cases, the abused often feel they have some control over the situation, yet their perception of being in control is an illusion. With time, they lose all self respect and often feel hopeless, or as if they deserve this abuse. I’ve heard some women say i did something wrong, so they deserved to be punished huh? talk about zero self esteem……..
    My message to the abused, if you cannot find that courage, heed that small inner voice and take the small steps that you can, bearing in mind that all roads will lead you somewhere other than where you are right now. Leave and never look back, love yourself more, trust in God & best of luck!

  4. A difficult and hot topic. It’s really easy to say ‘I’d be out the door’ if I got hit but love is an irrational emotion that makes us irrational. I’ve a seen strong independant beautiful women loose themselves and become dependant on men who barely deserve the name. It’s beyond reason why they don’t just puck themselves up and go.

    I’ve also seen violent relationships turn around, but this is not the norm and it’s a known fact thatviolent relationships can lead to murder!

    The truth is that you can’t love someone else unless you truly love yourself. And if you love yourself, there are things that you will and won’t allow to continue to be done to you.

    So love yourself fully and the answers will be easy!

  5. ms_fabulous Says:

    This a real shame for both people involved, but as far as i’m concerned Rhianna would be crazy to stay. Chris Brown has shown his true colours and needs professional help.

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