Archive for February, 2009

Infidelity

Posted in 1 with tags , , , , on February 28, 2009 by prekosifa

Guest opinion Masi, Washington DC

Cheatin’, infidelity, creepin’, a bit on the side – call it what you like: the question is why do men and women do it?

HE SAYS: Men cheat for one reason and one reason only – because we want to.

I know it can look as if there are a thousand and one reasons as to why we put it about a bit (okay, a lot): we blame our women, our jobs, other women, medical conditions, the list is endless. But the bottom line is we cheat because we want to. It’s that simple.

SHE SAYS: It’s that outrageous – women at least cheat for good reasons – revenge or necessity – not gratuitous just-because-I-want-to-ness! We cheat when we’ve caught you out a couple of times and  – good or bad –  are not quite ready to leave your cheating ass. The revenge affair helps restore our sanity, for a while at least. Chances are it will be short-lived, with an ex or friend-with-benefits and you will never know about it. In fact you should be grateful because the revenge affair buys you time to redeem yourself (or not as is usually the case.)

Secondly, we cheat out of necessity: like when the perfect guy falls short in the bedroom (no pun intended) and when we consider leaving someone who is a good provider, loves his mum and gives a dollar to a hobo here and there, a necessity affair seems like a better option. For a while, a girl can have it all – a good man and a good shag.

Like the revenge affair, it buys time for the guy to get his act together (or not) or for the gal to find her courage and leave. Bottom line though all affairs – even out of revenge or necessity – don’t solve the problem, they just prolong the misery.

HE SAYS: Please. Nobody has to do anything. Stop laying the blame on somebody else’s doorstep. Whatever happened to taking responsibility? 

We live in a world based on a basic lie as far as relationships go. Do you know what that lie is? One word…monogamy. 

SHE SAYS: Monogamy is not just a word though – it’s a decision, it’s about making a grown up choice  to be in  a relationship or marriage that is good and strong and loving. Are you in it to build or destroy?

HE SAYS: We have tried and failed for centuries to live up to this monogamous ideal, it’s safe to say it doesn’t work and in fact it doesn’t feel natural. Maybe polygamy is the norm.

SHE SAYS: No way – for one thing polygamy doesn’t offer much benefit to women – it just burdens us with cooperating with your failure to function in a committed relationship. You don’t get my permission to bring another woman into our relationship – ever.

HE SAYS: Look, under the current model of relationships this is what is supposed to happen:

 We meet a woman. We fall in love. We move in together. We get married. We have kids. Kids leave home. Oh yeah and the climax?

 We die. Not exactly exciting.

 In the real world or man’s world if you like, we meet a woman (we are looking at other women.) We fall in love (we are looking at other women.) We move in together (we are looking at other women.) We get married and yes we are still looking at other women. We have kids, physically things change so we are looking even harder at other probably younger women. Kids leave home (and we are still looking at other women.) Then we die, with a smile.  

 SHE SAYS: We look too, we may be more discreet about it but we definitely enjoy a little eye candy as much as any man…

 HE SAYS:  I’m not finished – we look then we swear she’s just a friend, then we start coming home late from work and well, you know the rest.  We cheat because we want to and there’s really nothing wrong with that.

SHE SAYS: There’s a lot wrong with that – for one it usually involves lying to the wife/partner and even the other woman. Lies are not right or good, just wrong. When the truth comes out, as it always does, there’s a lot of hurt and destruction. Hurting people and destroying families is not right or good, just wrong. 

HE SAYS: There is no such thing as right or wrong – just different view points.  The problem is not what a man does with other women, it’s what his woman thinks it means about her relationship with him. You see to us it doesn’t mean anything at all about the relationship because the two are separate issues. 

SHE SAYS: So the problem is in our heads now? I don’t think so. The two are not separate at all. If the tables were turned you’d be crying into your beer with your mates, badmouthing all the bad girls that have brought good men down – think Delilah, Robin Givens, Elliot Spitzer’s call girl. Bottom line: infidelity hurts people and destroys relationships. 

HE SAYS: It’s not that deep – infidelity doesn’t hurt people, the lies and deceit do. The stories, hidden hotel receipts, the lingerie from Victoria’s Secret not in your size… 

Bottom line: men cheat because we want to, we’re not going to stop any time soon so accept it and worry about more important things.

SHE SAYS: I respect anyone’s right to sleep with whoever, wherever and whenever – just not at other people’s expense. It’s about common decency and basic respect. If you can’t be faithful don’t get married and don’t call yourself in a committed relationship – end of story.

Who’s right? Join the conversation and make a comment.

When Love is Violent

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 22, 2009 by prekosifa

So Chris Brown is going the way of Ike Turner and beating the one good thing in his life. Rihanna, bleeding, battered and bruised is worried about how jail time will affect HIM! She is the victim and can quite rightly leave his ass or take it to the police…but no.

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So what is going on? Bottom line, we don’t know. What happens behind closed doors is for those involved and any flies eavesdropping. One thing I do know though is that this is a very common thing. Watch any crappy chat show on television and you will see men who beat their women and the women who love them (and vice versa if you stay up late enough!) He’s not really like that they cry in protest. Not really like what? Not a violent woman beater? Not a freakin’ lunatic? I guess the bruises on your face and the crushed self esteem are all part of some conspiracy against the two of you as a couple right? Okay, now I get it.

Women beat men too. There are a lot of men out there who don’t or won’t or can’t admit it happens to them. Can you imagine the scene at the gym – two guys, Mike and Ted bench pressing some serious weight when one notices a mysterious bruise on the other?

MIKE

Ted where did that bruise come from?

TED (embarrased)

The wife hit me

MIKE

What?

TED

A bike hit me

MIKE (laughing)

Damn, for a minute there I thought you said the wife!

We can say no one deserves a beating but that isn’t strictly true. A beating is justified in the eyes of the person doing the beating and when you work from that viewpoint that is all that really matters. It is their opinion, true, but it’s also the opinion that results in someone else getting a battering. It doesn’t matter if you or I disagree. There is no right answer and not much point in looking for one. So what we have is an incident. Something happened and only the two people involved will ever really know what or why.

What is more important is what happens after this incident. Is it okay for Rihanna to just do nothing? Not press charges? Is it okay for any woman or man to do nothing and just hope for a nicer day tomorrow?

FACT: when you do nothing you set yourself up for beating number two, then three – you get the picture? The dynamics of the relationship change and you’re constantly looking for warning signs and trying not to provoke the other person to violence again. You start living a crappy life where your survival depends on the impossible – you being able to read another person’s mind so you can avoid another beating, more bruises and another chink off your self esteem.

It is possible that a man beating his woman is crying out for help. He really wants to be punished and shown a different way. That will only happen though, if he is reported to the police (or to someone bigger than him.) Doing nothing can only lead to more frustration, more beatings…until he lets out a more dramatic cry for help and his wife/girlfriend ends up dead.

I speak from experience.

One day my dad beat my mum. She didn’t do anything. He beat her again. She called the police.

He never beat her again.

The irony is that women ask for true raw emotion but don’t specify how they want to see that manifest. They expect emotion to resemble some Hollywood drama but in reality they get it how they get it. Some women even pride themselves on being able to elicit a slap or punch (followed by making up of course) from their partner. It shows he cares they say. If we dared to ask the question of who threw the first punch in a man-woman fight, we might be surprised by the answer.

Historically, men weren’t just beating their partners; they were killing them and dumping them in the nearest river. Let’s not forget that man is an extremely vicious animal – a survivor. When you look at war, boxing, martial arts or any contact sport it is obvious that man prides himself on winning at being violent. The sexual act itself is a violent act – all the screaming, shouting, demanding, sweating, thrusting – does that sound gentle to you?

The real issue here may be that violence today is frowned upon like it is the worst thing in the world. It isn’t. It just isn’t nice to see sometimes. Violence is never the answer most people would argue. I would argue that it may never be the best answer but it can be a good starting point – even if it only serves to highlight a bigger, underlying issue – it fulfills a function for some.

Men hit women because they choose to. Women hit men because they choose to. Both sides come up with reasons as to why it happened. The bottom line is that we all have choices and if your partner hits you your options are to stay for more or leave fast. Here’s my suggestion: if your man hits you – leave his ass. If your woman hits you – leave her ass. Don’t ask why, don’t make excuses, don’t expect things to get better, and don’t accept his /her trifling apology. Don’t listen to it’ll never happen again, I love you baby, or it must have been the drink. Don’t entertain excuses like stress, work pressure, unemployment or some bad coke. Just leave and call the police on your way out.

Not acting like a victim is what gives you the strength to find a good relationship with a good person who doesn’t need to act out the great fights of the 70’s on you every time he/she hears an imaginary bell ring.
What would you do if you were in Rihanna’s shoes? Join the conversation and post a comment.

The Great Big Valentine’s Day Lie

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 15, 2009 by prekosifa

 

Valentine’s Day is nothing but a lot of sentimental crap and lies which does a poor job of masking failing relationships, for a day at least.  I know I know, what’s wrong with dedicating a day to celebrating love I hear you ask?

Look, the truth is it basically gives us guys the chance to ‘apologize’ for our transgressions of the past 12 months with last minute flowers, a box of chocolates and a ‘surprise’ dinner for two. What really shocks me is why or how women have allowed themselves to be duped by the retail sector into participating in this frenzied commercial love fest.

I can’t speak for all guys but I reckon I can speak for most: ladies, we do the whole Valentine’s gig for the freaky gratitude sex that is promised afterwards. And if we’re being honest most of you women do it to show off to your friends and co-workers; you want to be able to boast about how ‘great’ we are because we spent some ‘quality’ time with your naked ass! Who wants to be the one that doesn’t get flowers delivered at work or in front of some other captive audience? Not you I’ll bet!

This Valentine’s poses an even greater challenge -the credit crunch will separate the men from the boys; true love from a poke in the dark with a grateful host. Let’s face it, less credit means fewer flowers, less dinners in posh restaurants and definitely no extravagant night in a hotel for you this year.

Money is the number one cause of arguments in relationships and divorce in marriages – even when the economy is stable. With the current situation, the pressure is significantly higher. So for the guy (or girl for that matter) who thinks expensive gifts are a substitute for affection or intimacy, reduced spending power is a big problem. The gold diggers will be exposed for what they really are and the guys with no game will now be guys with no game and no girl. Money can’t buy everything but in the mating game it helps…a lot.

This whole situation is sad for Valentine’s Day lovers. It totally undermines the tried and tested card + flowers + dinner (and maybe hotel) = guaranteed shag formula that guys have spent so long perfecting. Now how are we supposed to show our ‘love?’ Our piggy banks are low and the banks are not letting us raid theirs. Let’s face it, in our materialistic society no-cash-to-flash means there’ll be a lot of fellas getting a lot less ‘love’ from the ladies.

I know some of you ladies are crying fowl and claiming money can’t buy your love but you know that you never tire of getting overpriced shit that you didn’t have to pay for (not in cash at least.)You also know that on Valentine’s Day you will get pretty much what you want; guys are essentially held to ransom. It’s the Wild West all over again!

I’d love to be all romantic about this and say that even in this time of global financial crisis Valentine’s is all about love sweet love and you can’t put a price tag on it. Beautiful words, wonderful sentiment but the truth is that we’ve all been sold a big fairytale by Hollywood and the retailers – it’s all hype and you’re falling for it.

We spend lots of money because if we didn’t the hospitals would be full of men claiming to have missed a step or walked into a cupboard door! We keep playing the game and pretending that those overpriced roses show our love, the posh meal celebrates it  and don’t forget the kiss under a moonlit sky…(pass me the bucket…please!)

Forgive me for believing that when you truly love someone then you don’t need all that razzmatazz.  Everyday is a chance to enjoy and celebrate that love.  We need to grow up people, stop living for the hype and start having an honest conversation about real love and authentic relationships.

Each and every day of the year I celebrate love so to me February 14th is no different, it’s just another day.

So, think you can convince me that Valentine’s Day is more than a cheap excuse to manipulate men into spending money they don’t have, just so women can show off and Hallmark can sell more cards?  Make your point by posting a comment.